an end to a challenging 2007

it began with a bang..a dismisal from my uni..my girl left me,all by myself confuse and heartbroken..i was really down.manage to gather myself up for a bit and appeal to readmit..manage to do so..had hard time being all alone for the first 3 months..been crying everynite for the lost of the girl..cudnt even study rite..cudnt focus,missed a lot of classes,been drinking a lot..lost weight,got emitted to hospital for low blood.been using drugs for a bit.crying still.cracked out on the last paper,cried in the exam hall straight to my house..saw things as tho it was the end of everything..felt lost.dont feel like living.manage to patch up with my fren..lovely fanna..its a gud thing.manage to finish my diploma.thanked god.met ayu..lovely lady..wonderful girl,a gud fren..wish her all the best..met few others as well.been blessed with gud frens.enroled to taylors..find it to hard to adjust myself there.quit taylors in 2 months.been trying to get to acting and modelling..challenging.got a part in a series but i turn it down.it was a major lost coz the show was a huge success.been seeing girls,even tho things didnt worked out but still manage to have a gud relation with them.went holidays with frens..that was a blast.been feeling a bit relieve for 2008 is just 1 day away.cant wait for 2008.over all its been an emotional year for me.felt love from frens,partners and family..even tho felt lot of gud joy around,i cudnt deny this little spot in my heart that says,there is still something missing.maybe next year,will find the missing pieces..to 2007,thank u.u've been cruel in some ways but kind in so many other ways..ive learned a lot.

..

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met

One day you'll love me, the way I loved you. One day you'll think of me the way I thought of you. One day you'll cry for me, the way I cried for you. One day you'll want me, but I won't want you

It's amazing how you make your face just like a wall, how you take your heart and turn it off, how I turn my head and lose it all

If you're not the one for me, and I still think you're perfect, think of how amazing it will be to find the one who i will end up with.

Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who wouldn't give up on them

I wish you could look at me and see the person you once loved instead of the person you have grown to hate

How can I promise you forever when tomorrow is so far away from me? How can I dry your tears when I have a bleeding heart inside of me? how can I ever forget you when your name is etched so deep within me?but the way i see now,it begins to fade. hiding under the thick cold blood..

remembrance

its early in the morning..just cudnt sleep.got my mind on sum things.16sept02.beautiful day,beautiful date..20march lovely day for such a lovely lady.all in my heart at this precise moment is hate.hate the fact that im nothing.may not be nothing but empty.true when i say i have no heart.it can be seen on how many exgf i have lining up..hard cold lifeless monkey.i used to be energetic,funny,loving,and passionate about girls.now,im not half as i used to be.why?cant answer that.this feeling in my heart tells me to run away.run from everything and everyone i know.am i happy?at times..am i sad?in heart.

ur sweet smile still haunts me at nites..at times when i do not even think of u..and its been awhile since i did.to know that ur better off without me,i honestly say i smiled for u..with the most sincere smile i cud give to anyone,i choose to give it to u..but my heart,cries every minute of it.cried for the lost of direction,cried for the lost of perfection.i was perfect when u were around.but now,all goes tumbling down.but i wud still smile for u..even maybe on ur wedding day,i cud share a smile with u..i wud be happy to see u being well taken care off.

cud i ever let u go completely?its been a year long already..i dont need a picture of u to remind me of how u look.i dont need anything..anything but...are u proud or happy to know that im like this? telling me this is all my own doings?or maybe u sympathized me?saying poor adly..he hasnt let it all go? or saying u dont know i loved u this much?..i didnt know i love u this much..and now u know.just like we used to argue on who loves the most..

frens laughed at me..and i pretend to say im cool with it.they told me to move on?if u see the girls lining up in front of the exit door,u'll know that ive been trying..or maybe ive been trying too hard maybe?.when we talk about emotions,feelings,love,im not the macho type of a guy..i speak direct..and very direct i speak.sometimes i get angry when u came to mind.it really pissed me off.sometimes i wish im not here..around people.but sometimes,i wish u were around, just to have a simple chat and a cup of coffee.

i know i dont mean anything to u now..just a history.something i find very hard to erase.i know ur better now without me.and for that matter,let me just pour out my feelings to my writings..thank u,for a wonderful memory..u truly are,eternal bliss..

ready or not..

see me now,i realize im not the same person as i were before..i am now cold hearted..i have this difficulty..i tend to block love from coming my way..why do i do these things?maybe i dont feel like im worth loving..maybe i feel afraid of getting hurt again..maybe its just not the rite time yet..but then when??when is the time?i tend to run away when they have fallen for me..such a confuse feeling..haf i not moved on?in parts,yes i haf..i dont imagine myself like before..and i certainly am not waiting for history to come again..but why is it im still here?..a fren told me that i have moved on from the girl,but not from the experience..its been quite sumtime now..been trying and trying to no avail..for how long must i try?i do not know.not sad,but very tired.

how wrong can it be..

to be happy for someone,for what they have accomplished and everything else..how can a simple thing like that makes people believe that ur clinging on to false hope?cant u just be happy for someone and not feeling sorry for urself..been hearing a lot of the word 'move on' lately..why people force u to change ur heart?it cant be force..if it goes away,then it will..it doesnt matter how hard u try to show other people that u moved on but the fact is ur still there..im here not because i want to be here..im here because im suppose to be here.time is the key.to end all this..u can try to love someone..but to me,trying is not loving..so let it come to me..whats wrong with me wanting to see the face thats been there lighting up my days..just being happy for someone..happy for u.

haishhh...

i met a couple today..was out in klcc and there,..there stood this one couple..as being as straight as i am,i looked at the girl.."perh!!"i said to myself..lawa giler..then i took a look at the guy.."uikk"..jambu gler..with a sharp look,like an eagle eyeing for its prey,i then menepuk dahi sekali..dan sekali lagi..its a shee..damn hunn!!its a gay couple..no offence to gay couples out there,but this one really made me think deep..way deeper than i ever wanted to think about gays..i understand the idea of being gay and all..but im not quite sure whyy...whyyyyy lorddddd!!!!such a beautiful face!!side by side..holding each other..nooo!!!!hehe..im being a bit dramatic here arent i..hehe.

well i do have gay frens..i respect their choice in their orientation.they do what they wana do..as long as they dont make a sandwich out of me then its fine..im not interested ek.before this i cudnt care much,maybe coz i have guy frens that are gays..with the perception of by a person being gay,the more options u have in having a girl for urself..do u get me here??..but seriously,lesbians i cant take it la..i can take it la but rase sayang sgt uhh..hadush!!..

why do people decide to be gays?..is it because of they had a bad relationship with the opposite sex that makes them turn to themselves?..a fren of mine told me that only guys understand guys..only girls understand girls..emotionally,physically,psychologically,sexually..everything lah..some people say they are trap in a different body..lets just say the person is a boy but trap inside a girls body..something like that la.i really do want to understand gays so that i wont offend them in any ways..i respect them,but i have my own believes in my sexual orientation..just dont try anything funny,then i'll be gud to you..can any one explain to me why??..such a beautiful face!!!!xbole terime!!!!xnak terime!!!uwaaa~ peace out bebeh!*xde niat nak mengofen sape2 ek,just a thought* :)

missing an old diary..

those were the days..where everything was put together in one priceless book.i miss it..it had a huge impact on me when i thought about the book.all emotions were there..sadness,happiness,confusions,everything..history..

everything was in it..it was a very detail diary..little sweet notes,messages,receipts,movie tickets,pics,bits n pieces in life were there in the book..oh i miss it so much..wish i cud have it back with me..so that i cud smile back thinking about what happened before..

if only we didnt put it on fire,if only i kept it for myself,it wud have been nice..
a lot of heart was in the book.and maybe by reading it back cud actually make me go in tears..sweet moments in life..it never last.

i spoke with some frens about the past,and i must say that i was a bit emotional expressing my views..maybe i came out too harsh..maybe.

here now,when im sober and all alert,i say i dont regret about my past,and i learn a lot from it..gud and bad..everything happens for a reason.

just a statement for those who might understand,i gain a lott from the relationship and the huge depressing break up..in contrast she said,"i've wasted 4 years of my life with this boy and i've gain nothing".ouch!..i felt no gud have come out of me when we were together..harsh words.i might not be an angel,but im no devil either..

we all make mistakes in life..for some,we cud make adjustments and try to alter the mistakes..and for some,its better to leave it undone and walk away..just walk away..something that im getting use to..

alwiz hav i thought of fighting for love..never give up no matter what..but now i feel like "fuck it" lets chill and enjoy the ride..

love..what is love?
the way i see it,let it come unnoticed..

if ever it comes again..

hating the rain..

Oh, the rain keeps coming,
Washing down on you and I
I cant help but keep from fallin,
Wash away the tears from your eyes

Oh, the rain keeps coming
The only thing left between you and I
Like a river, -it keeps flowing
Drowning in each others lies

Oh, the rain keeps coming
And I'll be damned if I know why
You're everything I ever wanted
Your flowers will never die

Oh, the rain keeps coming
As I watch memories pass me by
I keep calling you in my sleep
Hoping someday i'll forget to cry

Oh, the rain keeps coming
Let the pain go you hide inside
Some day again I will meet you
Underneath a weeping sky.

In my heart echoes the pain,
Hurt never heals in the rain,
Rain never quenches thirst, soul,
No balm for my numbed senses.

LIfe has a lot to offer,
Like the rain that pours wonders,
Life, like rain, fascinates me,
The downpour I have waited.

But rain is not enough now,
To wash the tears that flowed down,
Pain so deep that brought my tears,
just go away rain,not even in my sleep.

today

today aku xtidowww..went to clas by lrt..tiring.budget nak save duit la kunon..tapi naik cab je dah lime belas hinggett..buduh!!sampai2 kat college,clas cancell..kambeng!buat penat akuh dtg..sib baik ade kwn kuh ituh..ngeh2.anyhow clas so far so gud..funny feeling,i think i like the college..the people,the environment..tetibe cam motivated plak..aheh!i just need some space from some people..sumtimes i say stupid things n made someone sakitt..im sorry..jgn la cari saye lagi..maaf!i went to subang parade..hmm,funny..went back home by komuter,hmm even more funny..teringat dulu2..tersenyum sensorg..hehe..all is gud..memories are beautiful as they are..maybe before this i got over reacted on things.minggu depan ade party..seronot!!!!!the following week ade party lagii...lagi seronot sbb dkt ngan beday akuh!!

sumtimes i think i want to finish my studies quickly n get straight to work..but somehow,im enjoying my life at the moment..i learn a lot from my people around..yah,ade jugak hepy,bosan,sepi,..biase ah tuh..mane ade life yg aman sentosa jeee..hehe~!oleh itu,saye akan terus berkawan dgn kamu org,mak2 org,dan sesiape yg nak kawan..if u want more,i cant promise!seriously,i've done enuf mess..so chill..jgn marah2 aaa~kite kasi tgk nanti jadi cane, ok kwn2??.. :P

to change for good..

looking at the title,at a certain age at a certain time i wonder,is this all that we are?i had a chat with a nice person today..she made me smile in the sense that im happy for her..shes lucky to haf someone there to lead her..to a better life..but how do boys change?is it through self experience?or by a help from frens?family?or maybe from a girl?..is it a shame to say that u change for better becoz of a girl?does it tell u that ur not man enuf to stand with ur own feet pointing out direction in ur life?does it mean that ur weak?everyone need some faith and believe to change..so to me personally,no matter where the inspiration comes from,at least ur a better person..regardless if its because of a girl or anything else..

as i think about myself,do i need someone there to make me change for the better?..i honestly say i dont.i haf enuf experience to get me going..but if someone wud come along and make things better,i wudnt stop that from happening..i do feel sometimes when i get too in touch with my emotions im tempted to do stupid things..but so far so gud..its been awhile since i get to that mode.i feel im missing something this time around.im not quite sure what it is..but i can feel something not quite rite..lets just see what life brings me in the future..the chat opened up few things for me..its for the better..this is gud. *smile

joy

there are few things i like to share here tonite..firstly i wud like to share about my family..being single again really thought me whats important and whats not..i feel i connect better with my family lately..its fun and a bit touching..aheh!.i kissed my mum quite often now..i dont even mind kissing her in public..love her much~.me and my brothers are getting along very well.its more like brothers nowadays..even my small standard 6 brother share his kiddy love stories with me..haha!thats nice..its rather flattering to actually feel love like this,from ur family.i used to say that the only love i truly believed in is between lovers.im beginning to play my role as the eldest..its nice to hear ur mum says that shes proud of u..she cries for ur happiness,it made me weak..for a mum cry for his son on doing gud things is very2 meaningful to me..damn,i love my family damn much!aha~

as im sorting few things this year,cudnt be denied to say i want to be able to give love and to be love back in return..i'll be honest with u,its been rough..but u need it coz u want to prove what u worth and u want to be able to show the girl that,"yes,ur my everythin"..how i wud cherish every moment shared,wud do the best i cud not to make u cry,wud do anything possible to make u happy and to make ur stay with me worth while..i'll always be honest with u..i'll keep no secrets from u.i'll call u up when u want to go to bed..i'll sing u a lullaby to make u fall asleep.i'll text u the 1st thing i do in d morning.i'll cook for u,i'll take u places uve never been,i'll shave my head if u like it,i'll learn ur every interest,i'll quit smoking if u hate it so much,i'll take ur mum out for karoeke,i'll tumbuk the chilis if it makes ur eyes watery,i'll let u have the remote control,i'll go window shop with u even if its the 4th time we entered d same shop,i'll never stop u from doing things that makes u happy,i'll give u space for u and ur frens,i'll spend the whole 24hours with u if that makes u feel safe,i'll share with u my past if u want me too,i'll plan my future with u when u want us too..love is the essence of everything..

here i am wondering how my life wud be with u around..wud it be rite for us to be together?..wud u stay with me through thick and thin..will i be able to make u feel secure? will i be able to make u feel that im the one for u?..will i always make u smile and wipe ur tears away?..all this questions can only be answered by u..are u willing to give me the chance to prove what im worth?..i can only promise u 1 thing,i'll give u my everythin..

its about time..

half way thru the year,ive finally realize that this year aint that bad..aint bad at all..all the suffering and drama before,the stupid actions,the judgments,the bad memories,has now ended.i just graduated..i honestly thought that this day will never come..i jumped and shout out loud for joy when i got the results..i was so emotional i got into tears..u see,i studied for 5 years and within that 5 years,my life was never steady..its been a rough 5 years for me..thank god its behind me now..even at this moment i just cant believe that i graduate..i was prepared for another screw up..alhamdulillah..god is kind.this 1st half of the year has thought me a lot..it made me a better person..i love the people around me,i dont miss the people thats gone,im living my life with new things,new directions,renewed faith,i just feel gud..and its about time..

bit here and there..

these past few days has been a bit inspiring for me.as i walked through the shadows of the past,the present felt so good..met a long lost fren,met new frens,met new beautiful(at heart) people,been doing lot of new things,just felt so gud..i dont know how to say,i guess i can put a cheeky smile more often..its fun.it got me thinking,maybe there's rainbow after the rain after all..i feel rejuvenated and feel so alive.funny2 feeling..im planning a holiday trip with my gud frens..its gona be the bomb..haha~!gile best siout!..cant wait~!anyhow,i like what i see in myself these few days..the right attitude on certain things..just need a bit charisma in it..then all should mean 'best'!!haha~. a quote from forest gump,"life is like a box of chocolate,u never know what u gona get"..amazing things,amazing gifts,i humbly thank u..

cinta tak membawa erti..

cinta itu indah,membawa ku kelangit ke7..
membuat ku terpesona dgn perasaan ciptaan tuhan..
menjadikan lelaki dan perempuan dlm berpasangan..
yang disatukan dgn rasa cinta dihati..

cinta mengajar ku erti ketabahan,
mengajarku erti kepayahan,
mengajarku erti berkongsi,
mengajarku erti keikhlasan..

hari hari ku kini sepi..
meratapi wajah yang sudah pergi,
mengenangi kenangan lampau,
mengenangi kesilapanku..

aku bertahan dlm kesepian,
bertahan menahan ujian illahi,
aku tahu kesedihanku kan hilang suatu hari,
dan ku mohon hari itu cepat sampai..

setiap manusia berhak keatas kebahagian mereka,
setiap hati pasti menyatu di satu masa,
pedih dan pahit menanti waktu,
namun aku bertahan..

sendirian memikir kehidupan,
masa depan yg tidak pasti,
aku keliru,aku berserah dan pasrah,
akan suatu hari aku menjadi lelaki..

akan ku berikan kebahagiaan kpd yg berhak,
akan ku berikan kepastian dan kesenangan pada ketentuan tuhan,
akan ku korbankan diri ku utk keikhlasan cinta,
akan ku peluk erat cinta itu..

namun kini,tidak ku erti maksud cinta,
tak ku mahu menemui cinta,
kerana hati masih terhiris,
kerana hati masih menangisi keadaan..

akan ku bangkit dari kepahitan ini,
dlm mencari erti kebenaran cinta,
akan ku teruskan hidup ini,
walau dlm keadaan sepi..

aku terima ketentuanmu..

Akhir cerita cinta

sandiwarakah selama ini
setelah sekian lama kita tlah bersama
inikah akhir cerita cinta
yang selalu aku banggakan di depan mereka

entah dimana kusembunyikan rasa malu

kini harus aku lewati
sepi hariku tanpa dirimu lagi
biarkan kini ku berdiri
melawan waktu tuk melupakanmu
walau pedih hati namun aku bertahan

entah dimana kusembunyikan rasa malu

the hardest part of letting go..

the hardest part of letting go is that i could never hear u call me "bee"..ur sweet voice when ur sleeping calling me, really struck my mind at the wrong time..knowing i wont be able to see u make weird faces,when u want something from me..the times when we joked around and wrestle..the times when the first person i see when i wake up late in the afternoon is u..the times i cooked for u..the times u made nescafe for me..the cheese ommelette u made..the times we took my sister out..the sweet msgs u sent,the letters u wrote,the pictures we took,the presents u bought,the hard times when we were broke,the times when u calm me down,the times when u say "everythings gona be alrite"..the times u called me "mohamad adly!!!,bgn!!",the trips we had,the movies we watched,the adventures,the long drive to pick u up,the smile on ur face,ur sweet scent,the fights,the arguements and how we mend things,the cries..every moment shared..all of it,gud and bad,is still hard to let go..but we know whats best for us..maybe trying wont gona do much help..its better to let go and give up..its easier if i could hate u..but i just couldnt.i realize it.the hardest part of letting go is knowing that u will not be there for me anymore..letting go,all for a good cause..