here lies a ruff touch

drama xsudah

2011-05-23T06:42:00.002+08:00

im in my holidays.its been upside down.i sleep in d morning and wake up at nite..bored to death!!luckily i'll be going on for some training next month.hopefully i'll gain some experience there.
what can i say here today?pretty much if u c that im writing its because i dont quite feel right about myself.im at the T junction.a crossroad on whether to proceed or to back out.im tired of these half-feelings.i need certainty and i dont feel im getting it.probably coz i demand too much or maybe its just because i dont feel that much.life is a very interesting playground.never short of drama,actions and upsets.lets just see what is there in stored for me later on.

daym i need to get this fats off my belly!!!!!

officially the worst day as a student

2011-03-19T10:14:00.002+08:00

it all began last Wednesday nite.after i received the cd of the filming for the opening gimmick, i started doing my editing work.i started at about 7pm and roughly finished editing at about 1am.after editing, i rendered the video that normally took up only about an hour tops, but it took a lot longer that nite.it took about 12 longgg hours to render the video.so i didnt managed to sleep at all because i need the video to be ready by 1130 the next morning.it sisnt work out in time, the video cpuld not be rendered in time for the presentation so i had to ask for an extension for the preview.i managed to get an extention,lucky but i was so tired by then already.

later that day i went to darul ehsan medical centre with my fellow classmates to cancel an event with DEMC.then we went to HEP to book for equipments for another event.then we went to hotel UITM to gather more information for the event.after that i went back home, took a quick bath and went straight to my 6pm class.

i was severely stab in the heart multiple times as i question why these things happen to me on this day. i was humiliated in front of the class numerous times within that longg 3 hours class.i was completely broken into pieces,my moral was crush and i was by the end of the class,DESTROYED.the lecturer hated me, and he was strong in his words to me.i feel as though i am nothing,a complete trash in front of his eyes.i wish he had showed a little bit of compassion instead of being abusive.show a little sense of encouragement instead of ridicule. i came up to him after the class to apologize for my wrong doings, and he further molest me with his abusive words.my moral was down to zero.never have i been made ashame of myself this way,never have i been brought down like this.never ever. i felt like punching,like kicking,like swearing..all emotions i have inside was about to burst and i let it all out on a piece of board.whamm!! i felt relieved for a moment.then out of sudden,tears running down my face.breaking down point, a critical point where i felt that never have i been embarrass this way.been made a fool.how i wish he showed a little respect, or out of humility, show a little bit of class.i hope god will show him a little sign of humility,show him that he is not god and that we humans make mistakes.i hope god will show him something.that arrogance,that selfless ridiculing,that abusive words..i hope god will show him.

cruelty is no faulty

2010-10-05T19:26:00.002+08:00

u might probably see some sappy entries in the nearest future.as i have always did, writing my way out of sorrows.

for some people,they like to twist things to the other side making it look like its your fault when in actual fact,it was not.i am a very reasonable guy with a very flexible mind.i feel like i'm a very understanding person when it comes to relationships.the idea is to put your partner ahead of you.by showing that u are devoted to making the best of things for your partner.i have always tried to give my best in relationship, though in studies i couldn't say i did the same thing. its probably because of my nature that treasures the experience more than the knowledge spoon fed to us.to me, it felt real and no one can take your experience away from you.it is truly yours.

about the title, what i want to say here is the idea of making cruelty ok. in context, cruelty that im talking about here is about cruelty towards partners or lovers if i may say.in the past i may have done something bad that made me the way i am to day.i am at the receiving end of what i call cruelty is no faulty.i feel i have been hard done by, i feel i have been in some way been made a joke.as though its alrite to hurt the feelings that u call your love.

i have always entered a relationship with honesty,genuine feeling for the person, and truthful.but its probably god's way of making me understand that sometimes,even how hard you try to make things work, it was never meant to be. 'redha' is the term that i need to digest.'takdir' is what i need to believe in.i don't think i should complain much about why i feel i've been mistreated.but it is always sad when u give your best shot and came out empty handed.

as this journey hit a bumpy road, i don't know how it would end.maybe i just need to keep swimming until i see the shore, even all i see is water.

i don't respond well to lies.

2010-08-08T17:00:00.004+08:00

it struck me today that i actually had a big issue addressing this one particular characteristic called lie. Being a P.R student with the ambition of having a successful career in the communication industry, i find that i need to be able to withstand the deception and lies in the working field.i need to be prepared to handle working politic stress with intelligence and patience. falling under the zodiac of Leo who is drawn more towards his emotions,ego and stubbornness,it will definitely won't help my cause.
So i need to step up the game and make step by step changes that i see will be beneficial to help me achieve my goals.

with the coming of my birthday, it must be said that i haven't lived up to my own expectation.i demand less of myself and prefer to be in a state of mind where i called "the hippieland". a place where u don't bother to impress anyone including urself, a place where u live ur life as unproductive as u want, a place u called ur comfort zone. many fall backs in life has thought me to actually be tough, but i choose to rather be a nobody. i don't take good enough responsibility of myself as a son, and as a student.

at the coming of this age i hope to be different in the sense that i will drive myself for the better. to be more responsible for myself, and to have the desire to capture my goals and make myself proud.well this entry has deviate quite far from the title but it has somehow educate me effortlessly without me even realizing it.thats all for now, c u when im in the blues..

cloudy skies.

2010-05-20T09:19:00.002+08:00

a few days back i had found out that one of my exes had recently underwent an operation.it was quite a shocker to me and i felt sad and sorry for what had happened.things happens for a reason and most definitely god has better plans for her.my prayers are with her and family.

ideas.

2010-04-26T04:59:00.002+08:00

ive been thinking..hmm.i need to figure out things to write here.kesian blog usang ni.dah jarang update.im thinking of writing about food.mane la tau kot2 bole jadi food critic ke kan..haha! or maybe on holidays i should do a project,pick up a topic and write about it.interesting..hmm.

ive got a paper tommorow and yup, ive not read a single word from the text book.this is me being adly.hehehehehehehehehe!!!!its early in the morning and i just cant sleep just yet.so xdak keja,kta merapu la skett.

i miss singing with the boys la.paan,ajea,amar and iwan.lame siot xjam..rinduu harmonizing syiaall..this holidays need to get the boys together for a jamming session.musti musti!

i realize that the environment has change a bit this year.since most of my school frens are married or trying to get married,ktorg da jarang jarang lepak sekali.suddenly out of sudden!*ayat yg berulang disitu* flash back from the past..zzzzzzz!!!teringat aku zaman pak lebai dulu.zaman skola2,zaman g masjid,zaman ronda2 naik moto,zaman kedet,zaman nasyid..crazy!i was a nerdy back then.even so,i had good frens..still are my good frens.

speaking of one,my buddie 'klate' namenye, akan bernikah bulan 6 ni.haishh..happy for him,sedih for the kaki lepak group.abes la tinggal me,bob,and ikram je la.dulu ramai2,sorg2 kene cantas.abehh mappuuuhh~!! phases in life,just have to deal with it.

i think i better stop now.my writings are beginning to become weirder as i keep on typing.so,till then,takecare people..

oh!!! if u have suggestions on what i could probably write,please drop a comment or 2.. :)

outtttt!!

hidup

2010-01-30T14:01:00.003+08:00

isu hati sering bermain dlm hidupku.. kadang kadang riang seperti mana kita lihat anak kecil bermain di taman bersama keluarga dan rakan..tp kadang kadang di dlm taman itu sendiri,kelihatan juga anak kecil yang duduk sendiri.berwajah sayu,berteman sepi.hidup ini ragamnya begitulah pada pendapat aku.adakala kita rasa gembira,adakala kita rasa sedih.adakala kita rasa penuh dengan cinta,adakala kita rasa kosong.hidup aku juga tidak lari dari ini semua.tidak lari dari masalah kehidupan yang mendewasakan.tahun ini pada bulan ogos tanggal 10 genaplah usia aku 26 tahun.aku toleh kebelakang masa, sekali sekala.aku lihat kanvas yang dulunya putih telah pon ku corakkan.penuh warna,pnuh makna.aku lihat di hadapan ku,ku lihat jalan yang ku atur dan berusaha untuk menuju.aku dalam keadaan buntu,namun aku harus berdiri teguh,utuh bak gunung yg tinggi melanggit.aku akui yang aku juga bisa alpa dan lemah,aku akui yang aku seorang penagih cinta..harus ku gagahkan kaki,utk terus berdiri.

ironiknya hidup ini berpusing pusing seperti bola. di tendang ke sana di tendang ke sini.bolanya terus bergolek dan tidak berubah rupa.itulah kehidupan pada aku.adakalanya kita mengabaikan org yg mencintai kita,adakalanya kita diabaikan org yg kita cintai.adakalanya kita mematahkan hati mereka yg mencintai kita,dan adakalanya juga..hati kita dilukai..aku keliru dalam apa yg tuhan aturkan untuk ku dalam hidup ini.dan aku mohon aku tidak akan hilang akal fikiran ku kerana mencari jawapannya.ada masa kita pertahankan apa yg kita percaya,tidak kira apa..semangat dalam diri harus ditajamkan,harus di asah dan di asuh supaya menjadi kebal.harus pintar mengatur langkah dan harus bersyukur walau dalam payah..

coretan ini sekadar pengisi masa.atas apa yang tersemat di hati,atas apa yg mengaburi minda.atas kelemahan ku dan atas kekuatan ku.aku masih mencari.lantas akan ku terus berlari..sekian dahulu dari aku,ku ikhlaskan kata kata cinta pada semua..salam.

this odd feeling.

2009-11-09T05:03:00.002+08:00

i dont understand why..i dont understand what is this.havent felt like this since years back.i know that it made me smile more often,and i also know it made me clueless about the situation.what is this odd feeling?its strange but a good strange i guess.do u know how i feel?do u feel the same way too?i've let u know but u would still not let go.what is stopping u?havent u feel how i feel?i really need to make a decision at one point.i cant stay clueless forever.

will it be alrite for me to love u?will it be alrite for me to care?would it be ok for me to hold u?and make u mine?

will u share the same feeling?will u bright up my days?will u smile with me?and take away my pain?

im too deep to fall back.but maybe karma has something to say.but its ok.

will u be mine?
will u love me??

bukan cinta biasa

2009-07-07T21:05:00.001+08:00

Kali ini kusadari
Aku telah jatuh cinta
Dari hatiku terdalam
Sungguh aku cinta padamu

Cintaku bukanlah cinta biasa
Jika kamu yang memiliki
Dan kamu yang temaniku seumur hidupku

Terimalah pengakuanku
Percayalah kepadaku
Semua ini kulakukan
Karena kamu memang untukku

Cinta ku bukan cinta biasa
Jika kamu yang menemani
Dan kamu yang temaniku seumur hidupku
Terimalah pengakuanku

-Afgan

the word 'always'..

2009-06-04T18:08:00.003+08:00

do u remember the times when u feel so rite about a person and u shout out loud in ur heart "i love you so much"..or maybe while feeling romantic and caught within the feeling,u showed the person how really he or she mean to u.how u would do anything and everything for the person.its a funny thing to think how powerful the word 'always' is.without realizing the power it brings,by saying so it actually does sound more like a pray.

i used to say it a lot in the past.i guess u people must have said the same things too rite.like in the anniversary card u wrote or maybe a birthday card or a text message,"i will always love u".its a strong word.always.

when u say it wholeheartedly and with a pure feeling for a person,u come to wonder.. did u just prayed? kata kata adalah doa, have u heard of it?..i do wonder if it is a pray,and if ur pray had been listened by god,will u love the person always?even if things go wrong?

always..

kelu.

2009-05-22T11:50:00.003+08:00

menulis dengan hati yg tiada isi.berat.aku sering di landa pertanyaan demi pertanyaan.dan kerap kali aku kelu sendiri tanpa jawapan.mimpi mimpi yg terlalu abstrak menemani mlm2ku.buntu.aku tidak terase kehilangan.cuma terasa...arhhh!! apa saja yg bermain di minda.aku kebosanan barang kali.

acap kali aku menulis tentang cinta dan kesedihan..bosan dan naik benci dengan diri sendiri.mengapa harus aku terus begini.ku teruskan perjalanan hidup mencari erti.mencari kepuasan,ketenangan dan kebahgiaan.

ku lihat alam sekeliling ku.ku lihat rakan rakan ku yg kini mewah dan berkerjaya.kad undangan perkahwinan tidak putus putus sampai,sedikit mengganggu fikiranku.membuatku sedikit terguris dengan diri sendiri.akan tindakan masa lampau,akan jalan yg aku tempohi.

aku tidak kaye,aku juga tidak gembira.aku akui aku cemburu melihat mereka yg senang dengan kerjaya.membeli itu ini tanpa perlu risau akan poket yg kosong.aku cemburu melihat mereka yg berpasangan,berbahagia walaupon kekurangan harta.sekurang kurangnya mereka memiliki hati berdua.aku cemburui mereka yg tahu jalan hidup mereka.tahu apa yg harus mereka lakukan dan bagus dlm apa yg mereka usahakan.

aku bosan dalam pencarian aku.erti hidup,erti diri sendiri.kadang kala aku terfikir sendirian,adakah cinta itu memberi erti kehidupan untuk aku.aku rasa tidak.namun ia mungkin dapat membantu aku dalam memahami erti kehidupan.aku perlu membuka minda,aku perlu terus mencari walau pon aku sendiri tidak tahu apa yg harus aku cari.aku berdoa agar aku temui makna dalam kehidupan,supaya terus hidup dalam harapan.harapan menemui senyuman penghabisan.

fluke..

2009-04-22T17:50:00.002+08:00

shes not as sweet as she seems to be.as my admiration for her reduces,shes just another material girl.all for money.is that what u girls need?money?n lots n lots of money??skip a side moral value,r u girls all about money???im really frustrated with all this pretenders n fakers.u dont even care if the guy is someone's husband..he just flashes cash on u n then u go blind..so silly..yes i do admit money is important in a relationship,but to built a relationship based on money?come on..ur better than this..stop fooling urself..

i wonder why i keep on bumping to these kind of people..is it because they haf given up on love?or maybe they just wana haf fun..i do not know.some may say that there is no good decent guy out there anymore..all of them are taken they say.but hey,open ur eyes wide.we're all here..so u can stop fooling with someone's husbands.im just sick and tired with this kinda shit.im triggered and angered by the idea of money before love.up to u guys out there to decide.its ur life,not mine.

nothing much..

2009-04-03T06:03:00.000+08:00

early in the morning..just heard the azan subuh..here i am on my laptop with a cigarette in my hand writing nonsense on my messed up blog..hehe..i can hear bon bon dengkuq!! mcm speed bot! si ijoy plak dok tenyeh idong mcm org main lagu bali je..hahaha..man gak steady..cayalah bang long!we had dinner tonite at uptown..bon bon punye selera makan bole tahan gak laa..perott mcm tongg..he's a good eater.xmembazir bwk bon bon pi mkn.after dinner we went to borneo..ikutkan mule2 nak singgah kejap je..setengah jam je katenye..but we end up dancing till the d.j went home..n we still danced..haha..was fun.n now depa smue da terbongkang depan aku nii..

well let me update a few things here..i find that this semester is a bit hard to coop. tons of assignments plus the noty boy image didnt do much help..i feel i need to clean up my act n get straight to business..well study i mean.i wouldnt want myself to be kicked out again do i?hmm.. this semester i find that its fun making frens.it somehow made me feel young again.not that im old but u get what i mean.most of my frens are getting married and mazlynda is getting married this saturday.congratz!will i be going to her wedding?hmm..we'll see..fali is doing a bbq tmrw nite..he's flying off to dubai soon.good for him.hope for the best.its been a long time since we had bbq at bukit G.we used to go there n just sat there joking while enjoying the city view. those days..it was fun.i guessed we have less time now since everyone have their own obligations n responsibilities.time flies by.

theres nothing much to say here..just a bit worried for this semester.hope it wouldnt turn out as bad as i think it would be..troubled adly..haha.when will he stop messing around..hish..sowkaylah..in time, ill change..later dudess!!

kate orang..

2009-02-07T05:22:00.003+08:00

kate orang, bile kitae dah sayang,semua bende kita ketepi..kepentingan diri,ego diri sendiri,susah diri sendiri,maruah diri pokoknya segala bendelah kita ketepi di sebabkan terlalu sayang..

kadang kadang aku terfikir sendiri pasal benda ni.macam mane kita nilai erti sayang itu?atau macam mane kita nilai erti cinta itu?kadang2 cinta itu berbalas,namun tidak memuaskan..kadang2 cinta itu tidak berbalas,tetapi tetap memuaskan..macam mane kita nilai perasaan ini?aku selalu memberi pandangan melalui pengalamanku yang tak seberapa dalam soal cinta ini.byk juga soalan2 yang tidak dapat ku jawab walau pon untuk diri sendiri..

kadang kadang aku tertanye sendiri..bolehkah aku berkahwin dgn org yang aku sayang tetapi tidak semestinya aku cintai..bolehkah?melalui beberapa hubungan aku di masa yang lalu yang hanya berasaskan sayang,telah pon membuktikan yang sayang sahaja tidak dapat memuaskan keinginan ku yang terlalu mementingkan rasa cinta itu.oleh itu buat masa ini aku merasakan bahawa aku tidak boleh hidup berpasangan tanpa rasa cinta..

tetapi ada juga dikalangan rakan2 ku yang mengatakan dan menyatakan bahawa rasa cinta itu boleh di pupuk menerusi masa dan akan meningkat dari masa ke semasa.mungkin ada kebenaran dalam kata kata mereka namun mungkin tidak untuk aku.aku tidak percaya erti pupuk atau pon belajar untuk mencintai seseorang.cara itu bukan untuk aku dan aku terlalu yakin ia bukan sifat diriku.ada dikalangan orang disekelilingku berumah tangga berteraskan persefahamam,keserasian tanpa rasa cinta.ada yang berjaya,ada juga yang merana.sanggupkah aku mengambil risiko yang sedemikian rupa?tidak.

padaku cinta itu datang dengan sendirinya.tanpa diundang.bak hujan di panas yang terik,bak taufan yang datang tanpa diduga.mungkin fantasi cintaku ini agak keterlaluan.tapi padaku ini semua tidak mustahil.seperti cinta pandangan pertama.tidak ramai yang percaya akan cinta pandangan pertama,tapi aku pernah merasa.indah dan sejujurnya tetap indah.bila rasa cinta itu datang,ia selalunya kekal ada..walaupon ada pasang surutnya,ia tetap ada.itu cinta pada diri ku.cinta juga tidak semestinya bersatu.dan kerana itulah aku sanggat bimbang dengan perasaan cinta ini.

kata orang,masa akan mengubati hati yang luka..
kata orang,satu hari cinta itu pasti akan tiba..
kata orang,janganlah terlalu memilih..

kata aku,biar lambat asalkan tepat..
kata aku,biar sakit asalkan jujur dgn rasa hati..
kata aku,biar memilih untuk sesuatu yang pasti..

pendek kata senang cerita aku pon kurang jelas dengan perasaan ini.tapi aku tidak terlalu gopoh untuk mencari kepastian.secara terus terang aku katakan bahawa aku tidak tahu apa yang aku cari dlm erti cinta.tapi yang pasti,aku rindukan rasa itu.yang teramat.rasa itu yang aku rindukan,bukan orangnya.

fantasy living

2009-01-18T03:52:00.003+08:00

u wanted something that i can never give u.u knew the consequences but u still want to give it a shot.i am no angel..sorry for not fulfilling ur desire.im not ur knight in shinning armour.no im not.i told u i can never promise u love.not to u.u knew about the girl that had captured my heart, but u still want to be here.im so sorry.it was never meant to be.not me n her,not for u and me.nope..not for all of us.

i realize u like to fantasize and to me some of it sounds too childish.sorry but this is a personal opinion.however,if by doing so makes u feel happy, just do it..keep fantasizing.i hope u will find happiness and success in ur life, i hope that u will find ur true love and finally be cured from ur sickness,n i pray for u to haf a gud life.i dont mean to hurt u,like i didnt mean to hurt those girls that came before u.its just im lost.i dont know what love feels like anymore.i dont know what love is.maybe im living in a fantasy too.with hope that i find the exact type of love like i had before.like when i was only 18.but i dont know.n i dont think i want to know at the moment.

somehow,it still does hurt.the past is not easy to let go even if u want to.but i haf other things to do now.a whole lot of things to do..score well in my exams n get good grades..be successful with my group voce, find a way to make money while studying,be a gud fren to my frens..so that is my focus for the moment..

as for love,ive lost it once,n im prepared to wait a lifetime for it to come again.love can wait.

just like the monsoon,it comes again..

2008-11-17T05:40:00.004+08:00

i browsed thru the net wondering what else to surf for when i finally remembered that i actually have a blog.forgot about it for while.been busy with stuff.

so what can i update here tonite.hmm.well i had a blast last nite at lepaq cafe.it was an awesome nite.it was an honour and absolutely great pleasure to watch the old timers,the legend of buskers playing in front of me.i really admire their stuff.n with yesterday's performance, i haf found a new interest and that is to own a cajun!..cool instrument wehh..loving it.

well apart from that performance by the legends, we "voce", had a poor nite..hahaha!!abg ekhsan had gone with the wrong feel to the songs.the arrangements were different than what we had practice but luckily we ended the show with a convinving 3 piece harmony on "so much in love"..was ok laaaa!!

hmm.so what else to write here..its that time again i guess..just like the title, yes it has come again.while searching for reference with my buddy paan, he gave me a song to listen to.just like we always do,studying the song.the first note i heard from that song send shivers to my spine..meremang bulu roma aku..haha!..it was a song that someone gave me before.before she left i mean.the arrangements were a bit different.was a bit more mellow.

its hard when it gets to the end of the year.always reminds me of things..hearing the song didnt do any gud either.if there's a word for what im feeling right now, its JK.while driving back after sending my voce buddies home, i put that number on my radio.i didnt know why i did that, but thats what i did.to be frank,i didnt cry..but my eyes were glassy holding those tears from falling.i managed to do so.until a tear drop on my cheek.and another,and another..and another...

its that time of the year where i come to miss the girl..i missed those beautiful smile so bad.and while writing this post, while listening to the number,im so in touch with the past..it was fun while it lasted.her happy ending is just around the conner,but when will mine come?..i cant answer that..i wish i cud love someone as passionate as i loved her.is it true that u will only find this kind of love once?meaning if u had it once then who ever u marry, u will not have the same great feeling for a person like u used to?is love a fairy tale?i dont know.

what more can i say..let me just share with u the lirics..somehow,it has become one of my favorite.

menatap indahnya senyuman diwajahmu
membuat ku terdiam dan terpaku
mengerti akan hadirnya cinta terindah
saat kau peluk mesra tubuhku

banyak kata
yang tak mampu kuungkapkan
kepada dirimu

aku ingin engkau slalu
hadir dan temani aku
disetiap langkah
yang meyakiniku
kau tercipta untukku
sepanjang hidupku

aku ingin engkau slalu
hadir dan temani aku
disetiap langkah
yang meyakiniku
kau tercipta untukku
meski waktu akan mampu
memanggil seluruh ragaku
ku ingin kau tau
kuslalu milikmu
yang mencintaimu
sepanjang hidupku

aku ingin engkau slalu
hadir dan temani aku
disetiap langkah
yang meyakiniku
kau tercipta untukku
meski waktu akan mampu
memanggil seluruh ragaku
ku ingin kau tau
kuslalu milikmu
yang mencintaimu

*eventho we cant share the same smile, im glad that u keep on smiling.

unanswered prayer..

2008-10-13T00:40:00.003+08:00

The way the things have been going have made me realize an unwanted fact,
you were never meant for me as hard as it is for me to except that,
yes i fell in love with you the moment i saw your face,
even after we went months without talking..

in my mind you held your place,
I had the heart for you then, still this madness is within me,
days pass by and you never come,
this is God's way of making me see..

you were never mine you weren't my answered prayer,
you just happened to show up at that time as for my feelings they came out of nowhere,
i wanted you so bad , I wish you wanted me as i did you,
i never got back much, yet my heart seemed to cling to you..

and in a moment of time has passed until now my hearts realized the truth,
no matter how hard i hold on, God never intended me to be with you..

what am i?

2008-10-05T14:44:00.002+08:00

the beginning of my life is plain..
He put colours on my face..
He add characters to me..
He gives me funny things to wear..
sumtimes i put a smile on peoples face..
sumtimes i made them cry..
sumtimes i bore them..
sumtimes i irritate them..
but i keep on trying to please them..
sumtimes they left me..
sumtimes they ignore me..
most of them come and go..
when im broken, He changes the strings and makes me move again..
sumtimes the smile on my face fades thru time..
He came back and drew a smile on my face with a brush..
and people will come,and i'll make them smile and laugh again..
but in time,they will be leaving again..
but i'll keep on being me..
keep trying to please them..
with hope,that they will appreciate me..
this is my life..
a life of a....

24 tahun yang berdosa..

2008-08-11T00:43:00.002+08:00

kebencian terhadap diri sendiri meluap memecah segenap bumi..
kebodohan dan kealpaan mengaibkan roh pemberian tuhan..
dengan tiada rasa bersyukur aku menempikkan diri ku ke lorong yg lebih gelap..
aku benci..amat benci..jijik..ku rasakan jijik..

ampuni aku ya tuhan..

rasa hati yang mati

2008-07-17T07:33:00.003+08:00

ku puisikan kekosongan hati,
di balik bulan terang ku termenung sendiri,
ku luahkan isi hati ku yang sepi,
di temani bulan yang setia di sisi..

aduhai kasih mengapa kau pergi,
ku rasakan pahit ku rasakan mati,
menyesali diri yg tak berguna lagi,
kau telah pun pergi meninggalkan diri..

malam berganti siang dan surut beransur ke malam,
hidup ku tetap murung dan kelam,
bilakan tenang rasa di hati?
amankah ia di suatu hari?

penat sudah ku terus mencoba,
mencari pengantimu yg tak pun tiba,
ku katakan terus pada diri sendiri,
mungkin bukan masa ku lagi..

aduhai sakit,hatiku perit..
menahan rindu,bak tertusuk sembilu..

dengan hidup ku yg terus xmenentu,
ku khabarkan ikhlas puisi pilu..

kisah cinta yg mati,
dan yang tinggal hanya ku sendiri..

tulisanku ini sekadar memori,
janganlah marah mahupun benci,

mungkin ini ketetapan ilahi..
kau tetap terindah sesudah pun kau pergi..

blue moon..

2008-07-17T07:27:00.002+08:00

I wish I could remember who u r now instead of who u were before..
Coz..

Its funny..

I still miss u..

Even though things have change a lot, but something just remain the same.

It cuts..

It bleeds..

It hurts.

What have u done to me? To make me feel devoted to u?or what haf I done to myself to actually feel that way..

Don’t misunderstand how I feel..

I just don’t know why..

I cant explain why its not enuf..

Not enuf to not haf u.

I wonder when wil I stop having feelings for u..

Tomorrow?

Next week?

Or maybe next year?

Such a big presence u bring. Even for a year and a half now. u still remain here.

Shud I forget to love?

Shud I smile for u?

Shud I cry some more?

Maybe I shud just keep trying to ignore..

Stop coming to my dreams..

U bring tears to my face.

apologize

2008-06-25T22:59:00.002+08:00

here i am today,to ask forgiveness from you..for all my sins towards you,all wrong things ive done,all the promises ive not kept,every wrong things i said,every word that hurt you,all the details that ive let out..everything,i am truly sorry..

there is no intention to hurt anyone.never is,never was.i can say that i was a bit too emotional back then.i say now,im deeply sorry..

memories are for us to cherish..gud or bad,u haf to swallow it and live with it. i wish not to forget my memories, as it is very crucial to what i have become today..if some may see me today,u'll see a different side of me.u may not see it clearly,but u can see the difference..something,i haf change for the better,but for something else,maybe for the worst.but this is my journey..im still on my way,im not there yet.

to live life with no regrets is something i find hard to do.its not impossible,its just a little bit hard.as i see the road that i have taken,it hasnt been pleasant.

to be positive with what i haf,to what i will become,to what i need in life..i pray that one day i will manage to fulfill my dreams,to be a responsible son,a loving husband,and a wonderful father..

again,from the bottom of my heart,i apologize for all my wrong doings and i forgive if there is anything to be forgiven for..

-mohamad adly mohamad lotfy-

tiny heartache

2008-05-02T03:38:00.003+08:00

i never thought u could blew me away,with the simplest of things,with the way that u are..i never thought i cud haf fallen for u,but now i know that i definitely do.as i thought love will never come too soon,it all started to feel like its too good to be true.u bring me joy and i know im ready.i do all i can so that u wud be happy.cater to all ur wishes and be the best i can be.but now that i know that its all has come to an end,im speechless.

u arrived too soon for u to be going away already..but im not going to stop u.u do what u feel is rite for urself and im proud of u.it was nice knowing u.i haf no regrets.i hope u will be happy with him and i will always be here for u.as i always said to u,im here to make u happy.it has been an interesting event,even for a short period of time.take care dear..

now is the time..

2008-03-29T04:05:00.002+08:00

the feeling is just rite..i should end this sadness.or maybe it ended without me doing anything about it.it just did.so i feel in awhile,i will take out most of the controversial posts regarding my life so that i can move on peacefully without continuing to hurt people.im happy,im excited,im fully energized,im fine.

jai talked to me about something recently.never really thought about it for awhile but he made me dream about it anyways..bugger!!but its ok i guess.no harm done.im cool with it.its just that the words that came out from my mouth sounded differently from what i tried to say.well,they understood it differently lah..haha.so if there is a chance,maybe someday in the future,i'll do it differently.but if it wont happen,im still going to do it differently.haha!i feel in life we must have a contingency plan so that we are well aware of things that might occur.just to be safe..not hoping,just playing it safe.

some of my frens are getting engaged and married this year.made me feel a bit old la pulak.haha!as for me myself,i dont quite see it coming in the near future.im not sad about it,im actually cool with it.when it comes,it comes.when it goes..it goes.. :)
so back to the topic..i think my emoness have finally come to an end.and at times i do feel that i have been a bit ignorant and too emotional expressing myself.so sorry to the people that matters.now lets rite something fun..."rghetti pulak aku nak tulis pasal bende hepi2 ni kan,try je la!!"

updates so far

2008-02-19T00:08:00.003+08:00

i hardly have much time to write lately..so let me see whats been happening so far.few weeks a go met a long lost fren,been having the same problem as i used to but he handle it pretty well.gud job bro!..been hanging out with boi a lot since we last saw the sweet girl and regret that we did nothing.shiett!!not much partying coz been busy adjusting time for work and my passion..what haf i learn lately..hmm.i've learn that i am not half as i should or ever been..by saying so,there's a lot in me that i havent show.i havent come out and show my true potential..this is my chance to be successful in term of my job,my social life,my love life,my frenship and everything else.all is well.

tonite i feel a bit bored,but its alrite a guess.im not lonely anymore..so thats gud..haha!erm,words of advice la eh..dont ever jump into relationship when ur not ready.pity ur partner for ur feelings are not certain.i did wrong to some people before,so im saying sorry to them.but u know i will alwiz be there to help kan kan..just call me!maybe some people need strength to move on from the previous relationship and that a partner wud really help by jumping into the spot..for some it will work but for others,it might not.so be sure when ur ready.u know ur ready when u dont have doubt with ur feelings.u'll know for sure u love the person.with out hesitation.

i've learn to be more compose and relax..i've learn what to say at the right time,and what not to say.i've learn that honesty is my best trait.i've learn that i love my frens,each one of them.i've learn to appreciate girls better..for whatever they are..no matter special ones,frens,or even strangers..a fren made me realize that i had the best time of my life by being with sum1,but my best in myself has yet to arrive.its true..there are a lot to achieve.and i thought there was no hope..silly me.i find that there is no wrong in wanting to know about the people that u care for,even though the feeling is not mutual.it doesnt mean ur still hoping,it means u care,thats all.

i feel this year cud only get better..just a gud feeling.i'll work for it..weee!!

.everything.

2008-02-19T00:02:00.001+08:00

You gave your love to me
When I didn't have a thing to offer you the dreams
And you believed, and now you think that I'm gon' dip
But I know you aint gon' trip
Don't act like you don't know just what this is

I can tell when we kiss, when we touch, when we making sweet love
You know this thing is forever
You know the drill keep it real
Nothing will ever come between us
And I won't leave you never

I put that on everything I love
I put that on my momma, baby you can trust in us
I put that on everything I own, for all my life I promise
That you will never be alone
I put that on everything I am, you gotta understand
I'll always be your man
I put that on everything I know, I never let you go
'Cause girl I love you so
I put that on:

Everything you need, I'll get it for you
A few heads I'll split 'em for you, you know I die for you
And girl you make me whole, you are my sisters soul
And you can try to act like you don't know
But, I can tell when we kiss, when we touch, when we making sweet love
You know this thing is forever
You know the drill keep it real
Nothing will ever come between us
And I won't leave you never

Everything I need I got right here with you
You know I'm true
Don't worry baby, I will never leave you
I adore you

And I put that on everything

-marquez houston-

dont give up on me..

2008-02-05T09:34:00.000+08:00

believe in me as i always believe in u,
stay with me through the rough times,
give me a chance to pursue my dreams,
let me find my own path,my own direction..

i'll leave u guys one day,
to follow my own dreams,
finding reason to make my life complete,
to be better for myself,to be happy for myself..

aren't u happy to see me happy?
or do i haf to keep on sacrifice my own happiness for u?
all i got is me..and ur taking me away from myself?
whatelse haf i got?and for how long am i going to be treated this way?

i respect and love u for everything u've done,
and i know i've been such a disappointment up till today,
but u need to let me follow my own destiny,
even tho we dont share the same idea,but u cud at least respect mine..

one day i'll get out from this space..
one day i'll be happy for myself..
one day i'll make u proud of me..
ome day i'll make u believe in me..

im sticking with my plans,
this is the only thing i believe is rite for me..
and i ask for ur blessing..

tears.

2008-01-04T06:35:00.002+08:00

i dreamt of u again.warm tears falling down my face.let me tell u how the dream goes..

it was just after our 4th year anniversary..after i made u the card and the teady bear i gave u..the 1st and last teady bear i ever gave u.we were fighting..we were always arguing.but in front of other people eyes,we were so gud together.but in our very heart,we keep on hurting each other.and i finally came to a stand,where i thought drastic measures should be taken to ensure my life ends up with u.i had a fling with a girl.with no attraction what so ever,but just to give u a point to hate me and to set me free..u took it hard this time around.very very hard.and i,tried my very best for the first time to ignore ur love,ur true love from ruining my plans that i hoped so much wud work.i kept the thoughts to myself..i need to be bold,i need to do this rite..i wana marry u,i wana make u my wife..but in order for me to get there,i need to let u go and find myself.i need to be the one that wud make u proud,the one that make u smile every morning u wake up,the one that u have no regrets spending ur life with..i need to let u go.

i kept that thought in mind,holding a brick wall in my head to stop u from breaking in.i was ruthless,i was damn harsh,i was too confident that this plan of mine would work.i came home for the weekend.my brother messaged me that u were at my place since evening..and i only came home about 10pm.i was determined,i was angered by your plans of surprises.u hid behind the curtains to surprise me when i entered the house.i saw u but when u jumped in front of me,i pretend that u were nothing..but in my heart at that moment,"ur cute and u are the most important thing to me".i put on a tired face and trying hard to ignore ur acts..u smiled at me even tho u were aching every part inside.."u made me feel like its worth every moment being alive"..but i just put a dull face.trying hard to act as tho i dont care about u,as tho i have moved on..but the fact that i kept my love in heart,so that u wudnt see it.so that u know this time i mean serious.u were like an angel to me that nite,u set the table nicely for me to eat,u sat beside me,talking very politely,smiling at me when im eating my dinner.."i cudnt eat,im crying inside for u are just perfect for me" i told myself..u kept smiling..u cleaned the table and u washed the dishes.i went to the kitchen to see u,i saw ur beautiful eyes were watery.ur loving caring eyes that showed me its enuf just to haf u n me in this world were red.i saw innocent tears dripping down ur face,i saw u wept,i made u wept,i saw u wept...and it made me weak to my knees..u were still smiling at me while doing the dishes.i hold on my tears and ask god why am i doing this to the love of my life??how cud i!!..u sat with me in my room,in front of the computer while smoking,i pretend that there was nothing to discuss.the decision is final.u were next to me holding my hands,and caressing my hair,and i saw u crying..u were crying like i have never ever seen u cried before.it makes me so weak and torn apart..till today.u were begging me not to end this love.u said to me that we can still work things out and that u will change.we can change.i kept giving u excuses..u hugged me and kissed me and all i do is acted all dumb..heartless.cold.when u went down on ur knees and begged me,i said to myself,"what have i gotten myself into??such an angel,how cud i allow u do that n i do nothing?"..i felt so cruel and hated the situation..i was determined to see u off.u cried and cried and i still remember till this morning,ur face,ur pretty little face.i sent u back home..in the car we talked and u still crying..u kept on crying and i began to lose my faith in what i wanted to do for us..i finally cried..cried because i told u that i need to adjust myself and make my parents proud of me..i told u i need to be somebody for the family..but the fact is i cried for what i've seen u've done for me that nite and the past 4 years we've been together..cried for the way u looked at me with those glassy eyes that ive been kissing with all the love in my heart,cried for that sweet smile of urs that brought me to u at the first place,cried for the way u talked when u were crying,when ur voice got stuck in ur cries,cried for ur every efforts..thats what actually made me cried..i knew it was a big gamble,but i tot it wud turn out my way.i was such a fool to let u do all that and acted so cold in front of u..u deserve better than that..i knew that..but i was such a fool that i've gone mad.after i sent u back,i cried all the way home.thinking about u,having flash backs,thinking about how i was cruel to u,thinking of how uve been gud to me,thinking of the gud times,the bad times..

and here i am,early in the morning,a year after it all happened,still thinking about u and how i got my plans all wrong..if only i didnt think too much,if only the plan was a dream.unfortunately.tears for u..

an end to a challenging 2007

2007-12-31T05:47:00.000+08:00

it began with a bang..a dismisal from my uni..my girl left me,all by myself confuse and heartbroken..i was really down.manage to gather myself up for a bit and appeal to readmit..manage to do so..had hard time being all alone for the first 3 months..been crying everynite for the lost of the girl..cudnt even study rite..cudnt focus,missed a lot of classes,been drinking a lot..lost weight,got emitted to hospital for low blood.been using drugs for a bit.crying still.cracked out on the last paper,cried in the exam hall straight to my house..saw things as tho it was the end of everything..felt lost.dont feel like living.manage to patch up with my fren..lovely fanna..its a gud thing.manage to finish my diploma.thanked god.met ayu..lovely lady..wonderful girl,a gud fren..wish her all the best..met few others as well.been blessed with gud frens.enroled to taylors..find it to hard to adjust myself there.quit taylors in 2 months.been trying to get to acting and modelling..challenging.got a part in a series but i turn it down.it was a major lost coz the show was a huge success.been seeing girls,even tho things didnt worked out but still manage to have a gud relation with them.went holidays with frens..that was a blast.been feeling a bit relieve for 2008 is just 1 day away.cant wait for 2008.over all its been an emotional year for me.felt love from frens,partners and family..even tho felt lot of gud joy around,i cudnt deny this little spot in my heart that says,there is still something missing.maybe next year,will find the missing pieces..to 2007,thank u.u've been cruel in some ways but kind in so many other ways..ive learned a lot.

..

2007-12-16T09:44:00.002+08:00

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met

One day you'll love me, the way I loved you. One day you'll think of me the way I thought of you. One day you'll cry for me, the way I cried for you. One day you'll want me, but I won't want you

It's amazing how you make your face just like a wall, how you take your heart and turn it off, how I turn my head and lose it all

If you're not the one for me, and I still think you're perfect, think of how amazing it will be to find the one who i will end up with.

Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who wouldn't give up on them

I wish you could look at me and see the person you once loved instead of the person you have grown to hate

How can I promise you forever when tomorrow is so far away from me? How can I dry your tears when I have a bleeding heart inside of me? how can I ever forget you when your name is etched so deep within me?but the way i see now,it begins to fade. hiding under the thick cold blood..

remembrance

2007-12-08T07:53:00.000+08:00

its early in the morning..just cudnt sleep.got my mind on sum things.16sept02.beautiful day,beautiful date..20march lovely day for such a lovely lady.all in my heart at this precise moment is hate.hate the fact that im nothing.may not be nothing but empty.true when i say i have no heart.it can be seen on how many exgf i have lining up..hard cold lifeless monkey.i used to be energetic,funny,loving,and passionate about girls.now,im not half as i used to be.why?cant answer that.this feeling in my heart tells me to run away.run from everything and everyone i know.am i happy?at times..am i sad?in heart.

ur sweet smile still haunts me at nites..at times when i do not even think of u..and its been awhile since i did.to know that ur better off without me,i honestly say i smiled for u..with the most sincere smile i cud give to anyone,i choose to give it to u..but my heart,cries every minute of it.cried for the lost of direction,cried for the lost of perfection.i was perfect when u were around.but now,all goes tumbling down.but i wud still smile for u..even maybe on ur wedding day,i cud share a smile with u..i wud be happy to see u being well taken care off.

cud i ever let u go completely?its been a year long already..i dont need a picture of u to remind me of how u look.i dont need anything..anything but...are u proud or happy to know that im like this? telling me this is all my own doings?or maybe u sympathized me?saying poor adly..he hasnt let it all go? or saying u dont know i loved u this much?..i didnt know i love u this much..and now u know.just like we used to argue on who loves the most..

frens laughed at me..and i pretend to say im cool with it.they told me to move on?if u see the girls lining up in front of the exit door,u'll know that ive been trying..or maybe ive been trying too hard maybe?.when we talk about emotions,feelings,love,im not the macho type of a guy..i speak direct..and very direct i speak.sometimes i get angry when u came to mind.it really pissed me off.sometimes i wish im not here..around people.but sometimes,i wish u were around, just to have a simple chat and a cup of coffee.

i know i dont mean anything to u now..just a history.something i find very hard to erase.i know ur better now without me.and for that matter,let me just pour out my feelings to my writings..thank u,for a wonderful memory..u truly are,eternal bliss..

ready or not..

2007-12-07T02:30:00.001+08:00

see me now,i realize im not the same person as i were before..i am now cold hearted..i have this difficulty..i tend to block love from coming my way..why do i do these things?maybe i dont feel like im worth loving..maybe i feel afraid of getting hurt again..maybe its just not the rite time yet..but then when??when is the time?i tend to run away when they have fallen for me..such a confuse feeling..haf i not moved on?in parts,yes i haf..i dont imagine myself like before..and i certainly am not waiting for history to come again..but why is it im still here?..a fren told me that i have moved on from the girl,but not from the experience..its been quite sumtime now..been trying and trying to no avail..for how long must i try?i do not know.not sad,but very tired.

how wrong can it be..

2007-11-15T13:45:00.000+08:00

to be happy for someone,for what they have accomplished and everything else..how can a simple thing like that makes people believe that ur clinging on to false hope?cant u just be happy for someone and not feeling sorry for urself..been hearing a lot of the word 'move on' lately..why people force u to change ur heart?it cant be force..if it goes away,then it will..it doesnt matter how hard u try to show other people that u moved on but the fact is ur still there..im here not because i want to be here..im here because im suppose to be here.time is the key.to end all this..u can try to love someone..but to me,trying is not loving..so let it come to me..whats wrong with me wanting to see the face thats been there lighting up my days..just being happy for someone..happy for u.

haishhh...

2007-10-09T05:44:00.000+08:00

i met a couple today..was out in klcc and there,..there stood this one couple..as being as straight as i am,i looked at the girl.."perh!!"i said to myself..lawa giler..then i took a look at the guy.."uikk"..jambu gler..with a sharp look,like an eagle eyeing for its prey,i then menepuk dahi sekali..dan sekali lagi..its a shee..damn hunn!!its a gay couple..no offence to gay couples out there,but this one really made me think deep..way deeper than i ever wanted to think about gays..i understand the idea of being gay and all..but im not quite sure whyy...whyyyyy lorddddd!!!!such a beautiful face!!side by side..holding each other..nooo!!!!hehe..im being a bit dramatic here arent i..hehe.

well i do have gay frens..i respect their choice in their orientation.they do what they wana do..as long as they dont make a sandwich out of me then its fine..im not interested ek.before this i cudnt care much,maybe coz i have guy frens that are gays..with the perception of by a person being gay,the more options u have in having a girl for urself..do u get me here??..but seriously,lesbians i cant take it la..i can take it la but rase sayang sgt uhh..hadush!!..

why do people decide to be gays?..is it because of they had a bad relationship with the opposite sex that makes them turn to themselves?..a fren of mine told me that only guys understand guys..only girls understand girls..emotionally,physically,psychologically,sexually..everything lah..some people say they are trap in a different body..lets just say the person is a boy but trap inside a girls body..something like that la.i really do want to understand gays so that i wont offend them in any ways..i respect them,but i have my own believes in my sexual orientation..just dont try anything funny,then i'll be gud to you..can any one explain to me why??..such a beautiful face!!!!xbole terime!!!!xnak terime!!!uwaaa~ peace out bebeh!*xde niat nak mengofen sape2 ek,just a thought* :)

missing an old diary..

2007-10-04T04:11:00.000+08:00

those were the days..where everything was put together in one priceless book.i miss it..it had a huge impact on me when i thought about the book.all emotions were there..sadness,happiness,confusions,everything..history..

everything was in it..it was a very detail diary..little sweet notes,messages,receipts,movie tickets,pics,bits n pieces in life were there in the book..oh i miss it so much..wish i cud have it back with me..so that i cud smile back thinking about what happened before..

if only we didnt put it on fire,if only i kept it for myself,it wud have been nice..
a lot of heart was in the book.and maybe by reading it back cud actually make me go in tears..sweet moments in life..it never last.

i spoke with some frens about the past,and i must say that i was a bit emotional expressing my views..maybe i came out too harsh..maybe.

here now,when im sober and all alert,i say i dont regret about my past,and i learn a lot from it..gud and bad..everything happens for a reason.

just a statement for those who might understand,i gain a lott from the relationship and the huge depressing break up..in contrast she said,"i've wasted 4 years of my life with this boy and i've gain nothing".ouch!..i felt no gud have come out of me when we were together..harsh words.i might not be an angel,but im no devil either..

we all make mistakes in life..for some,we cud make adjustments and try to alter the mistakes..and for some,its better to leave it undone and walk away..just walk away..something that im getting use to..

alwiz hav i thought of fighting for love..never give up no matter what..but now i feel like "fuck it" lets chill and enjoy the ride..

love..what is love?
the way i see it,let it come unnoticed..

if ever it comes again..

hating the rain..

2007-08-14T16:49:00.000+08:00

Oh, the rain keeps coming,
Washing down on you and I
I cant help but keep from fallin,
Wash away the tears from your eyes

Oh, the rain keeps coming
The only thing left between you and I
Like a river, -it keeps flowing
Drowning in each others lies

Oh, the rain keeps coming
And I'll be damned if I know why
You're everything I ever wanted
Your flowers will never die

Oh, the rain keeps coming
As I watch memories pass me by
I keep calling you in my sleep
Hoping someday i'll forget to cry

Oh, the rain keeps coming
Let the pain go you hide inside
Some day again I will meet you
Underneath a weeping sky.

In my heart echoes the pain,
Hurt never heals in the rain,
Rain never quenches thirst, soul,
No balm for my numbed senses.

LIfe has a lot to offer,
Like the rain that pours wonders,
Life, like rain, fascinates me,
The downpour I have waited.

But rain is not enough now,
To wash the tears that flowed down,
Pain so deep that brought my tears,
just go away rain,not even in my sleep.

today

2007-08-01T18:17:00.000+08:00

today aku xtidowww..went to clas by lrt..tiring.budget nak save duit la kunon..tapi naik cab je dah lime belas hinggett..buduh!!sampai2 kat college,clas cancell..kambeng!buat penat akuh dtg..sib baik ade kwn kuh ituh..ngeh2.anyhow clas so far so gud..funny feeling,i think i like the college..the people,the environment..tetibe cam motivated plak..aheh!i just need some space from some people..sumtimes i say stupid things n made someone sakitt..im sorry..jgn la cari saye lagi..maaf!i went to subang parade..hmm,funny..went back home by komuter,hmm even more funny..teringat dulu2..tersenyum sensorg..hehe..all is gud..memories are beautiful as they are..maybe before this i got over reacted on things.minggu depan ade party..seronot!!!!!the following week ade party lagii...lagi seronot sbb dkt ngan beday akuh!!

sumtimes i think i want to finish my studies quickly n get straight to work..but somehow,im enjoying my life at the moment..i learn a lot from my people around..yah,ade jugak hepy,bosan,sepi,..biase ah tuh..mane ade life yg aman sentosa jeee..hehe~!oleh itu,saye akan terus berkawan dgn kamu org,mak2 org,dan sesiape yg nak kawan..if u want more,i cant promise!seriously,i've done enuf mess..so chill..jgn marah2 aaa~kite kasi tgk nanti jadi cane, ok kwn2??.. :P

to change for good..

2007-07-03T03:12:00.000+08:00

looking at the title,at a certain age at a certain time i wonder,is this all that we are?i had a chat with a nice person today..she made me smile in the sense that im happy for her..shes lucky to haf someone there to lead her..to a better life..but how do boys change?is it through self experience?or by a help from frens?family?or maybe from a girl?..is it a shame to say that u change for better becoz of a girl?does it tell u that ur not man enuf to stand with ur own feet pointing out direction in ur life?does it mean that ur weak?everyone need some faith and believe to change..so to me personally,no matter where the inspiration comes from,at least ur a better person..regardless if its because of a girl or anything else..

as i think about myself,do i need someone there to make me change for the better?..i honestly say i dont.i haf enuf experience to get me going..but if someone wud come along and make things better,i wudnt stop that from happening..i do feel sometimes when i get too in touch with my emotions im tempted to do stupid things..but so far so gud..its been awhile since i get to that mode.i feel im missing something this time around.im not quite sure what it is..but i can feel something not quite rite..lets just see what life brings me in the future..the chat opened up few things for me..its for the better..this is gud. *smile

joy

2007-06-30T05:53:00.000+08:00

there are few things i like to share here tonite..firstly i wud like to share about my family..being single again really thought me whats important and whats not..i feel i connect better with my family lately..its fun and a bit touching..aheh!.i kissed my mum quite often now..i dont even mind kissing her in public..love her much~.me and my brothers are getting along very well.its more like brothers nowadays..even my small standard 6 brother share his kiddy love stories with me..haha!thats nice..its rather flattering to actually feel love like this,from ur family.i used to say that the only love i truly believed in is between lovers.im beginning to play my role as the eldest..its nice to hear ur mum says that shes proud of u..she cries for ur happiness,it made me weak..for a mum cry for his son on doing gud things is very2 meaningful to me..damn,i love my family damn much!aha~

as im sorting few things this year,cudnt be denied to say i want to be able to give love and to be love back in return..i'll be honest with u,its been rough..but u need it coz u want to prove what u worth and u want to be able to show the girl that,"yes,ur my everythin"..how i wud cherish every moment shared,wud do the best i cud not to make u cry,wud do anything possible to make u happy and to make ur stay with me worth while..i'll always be honest with u..i'll keep no secrets from u.i'll call u up when u want to go to bed..i'll sing u a lullaby to make u fall asleep.i'll text u the 1st thing i do in d morning.i'll cook for u,i'll take u places uve never been,i'll shave my head if u like it,i'll learn ur every interest,i'll quit smoking if u hate it so much,i'll take ur mum out for karoeke,i'll tumbuk the chilis if it makes ur eyes watery,i'll let u have the remote control,i'll go window shop with u even if its the 4th time we entered d same shop,i'll never stop u from doing things that makes u happy,i'll give u space for u and ur frens,i'll spend the whole 24hours with u if that makes u feel safe,i'll share with u my past if u want me too,i'll plan my future with u when u want us too..love is the essence of everything..

here i am wondering how my life wud be with u around..wud it be rite for us to be together?..wud u stay with me through thick and thin..will i be able to make u feel secure? will i be able to make u feel that im the one for u?..will i always make u smile and wipe ur tears away?..all this questions can only be answered by u..are u willing to give me the chance to prove what im worth?..i can only promise u 1 thing,i'll give u my everythin..

its about time..

2007-06-16T05:06:00.000+08:00

half way thru the year,ive finally realize that this year aint that bad..aint bad at all..all the suffering and drama before,the stupid actions,the judgments,the bad memories,has now ended.i just graduated..i honestly thought that this day will never come..i jumped and shout out loud for joy when i got the results..i was so emotional i got into tears..u see,i studied for 5 years and within that 5 years,my life was never steady..its been a rough 5 years for me..thank god its behind me now..even at this moment i just cant believe that i graduate..i was prepared for another screw up..alhamdulillah..god is kind.this 1st half of the year has thought me a lot..it made me a better person..i love the people around me,i dont miss the people thats gone,im living my life with new things,new directions,renewed faith,i just feel gud..and its about time..

bit here and there..

2007-05-22T04:18:00.000+08:00

these past few days has been a bit inspiring for me.as i walked through the shadows of the past,the present felt so good..met a long lost fren,met new frens,met new beautiful(at heart) people,been doing lot of new things,just felt so gud..i dont know how to say,i guess i can put a cheeky smile more often..its fun.it got me thinking,maybe there's rainbow after the rain after all..i feel rejuvenated and feel so alive.funny2 feeling..im planning a holiday trip with my gud frens..its gona be the bomb..haha~!gile best siout!..cant wait~!anyhow,i like what i see in myself these few days..the right attitude on certain things..just need a bit charisma in it..then all should mean 'best'!!haha~. a quote from forest gump,"life is like a box of chocolate,u never know what u gona get"..amazing things,amazing gifts,i humbly thank u..

cinta tak membawa erti..

2007-05-17T05:22:00.000+08:00

cinta itu indah,membawa ku kelangit ke7..
membuat ku terpesona dgn perasaan ciptaan tuhan..
menjadikan lelaki dan perempuan dlm berpasangan..
yang disatukan dgn rasa cinta dihati..

cinta mengajar ku erti ketabahan,
mengajarku erti kepayahan,
mengajarku erti berkongsi,
mengajarku erti keikhlasan..

hari hari ku kini sepi..
meratapi wajah yang sudah pergi,
mengenangi kenangan lampau,
mengenangi kesilapanku..

aku bertahan dlm kesepian,
bertahan menahan ujian illahi,
aku tahu kesedihanku kan hilang suatu hari,
dan ku mohon hari itu cepat sampai..

setiap manusia berhak keatas kebahagian mereka,
setiap hati pasti menyatu di satu masa,
pedih dan pahit menanti waktu,
namun aku bertahan..

sendirian memikir kehidupan,
masa depan yg tidak pasti,
aku keliru,aku berserah dan pasrah,
akan suatu hari aku menjadi lelaki..

akan ku berikan kebahagiaan kpd yg berhak,
akan ku berikan kepastian dan kesenangan pada ketentuan tuhan,
akan ku korbankan diri ku utk keikhlasan cinta,
akan ku peluk erat cinta itu..

namun kini,tidak ku erti maksud cinta,
tak ku mahu menemui cinta,
kerana hati masih terhiris,
kerana hati masih menangisi keadaan..

akan ku bangkit dari kepahitan ini,
dlm mencari erti kebenaran cinta,
akan ku teruskan hidup ini,
walau dlm keadaan sepi..

aku terima ketentuanmu..

Akhir cerita cinta

2007-05-17T05:17:00.001+08:00

sandiwarakah selama ini
setelah sekian lama kita tlah bersama
inikah akhir cerita cinta
yang selalu aku banggakan di depan mereka

entah dimana kusembunyikan rasa malu

kini harus aku lewati
sepi hariku tanpa dirimu lagi
biarkan kini ku berdiri
melawan waktu tuk melupakanmu
walau pedih hati namun aku bertahan

entah dimana kusembunyikan rasa malu

the hardest part of letting go..

2007-05-10T23:39:00.000+08:00

the hardest part of letting go is that i could never hear u call me "bee"..ur sweet voice when ur sleeping calling me, really struck my mind at the wrong time..knowing i wont be able to see u make weird faces,when u want something from me..the times when we joked around and wrestle..the times when the first person i see when i wake up late in the afternoon is u..the times i cooked for u..the times u made nescafe for me..the cheese ommelette u made..the times we took my sister out..the sweet msgs u sent,the letters u wrote,the pictures we took,the presents u bought,the hard times when we were broke,the times when u calm me down,the times when u say "everythings gona be alrite"..the times u called me "mohamad adly!!!,bgn!!",the trips we had,the movies we watched,the adventures,the long drive to pick u up,the smile on ur face,ur sweet scent,the fights,the arguements and how we mend things,the cries..every moment shared..all of it,gud and bad,is still hard to let go..but we know whats best for us..maybe trying wont gona do much help..its better to let go and give up..its easier if i could hate u..but i just couldnt.i realize it.the hardest part of letting go is knowing that u will not be there for me anymore..letting go,all for a good cause..