now is the time..

the feeling is just rite..i should end this sadness.or maybe it ended without me doing anything about it.it just did.so i feel in awhile,i will take out most of the controversial posts regarding my life so that i can move on peacefully without continuing to hurt people.im happy,im excited,im fully energized,im fine.

jai talked to me about something recently.never really thought about it for awhile but he made me dream about it anyways..bugger!!but its ok i guess.no harm done.im cool with it.its just that the words that came out from my mouth sounded differently from what i tried to say.well,they understood it differently lah..haha.so if there is a chance,maybe someday in the future,i'll do it differently.but if it wont happen,im still going to do it differently.haha!i feel in life we must have a contingency plan so that we are well aware of things that might occur.just to be safe..not hoping,just playing it safe.

some of my frens are getting engaged and married this year.made me feel a bit old la pulak.haha!as for me myself,i dont quite see it coming in the near future.im not sad about it,im actually cool with it.when it comes,it comes.when it goes..it goes.. :)
so back to the topic..i think my emoness have finally come to an end.and at times i do feel that i have been a bit ignorant and too emotional expressing myself.so sorry to the people that matters.now lets rite something fun..."rghetti pulak aku nak tulis pasal bende hepi2 ni kan,try je la!!"

updates so far

i hardly have much time to write lately..so let me see whats been happening so far.few weeks a go met a long lost fren,been having the same problem as i used to but he handle it pretty well.gud job bro!..been hanging out with boi a lot since we last saw the sweet girl and regret that we did nothing.shiett!!not much partying coz been busy adjusting time for work and my passion..what haf i learn lately..hmm.i've learn that i am not half as i should or ever been..by saying so,there's a lot in me that i havent show.i havent come out and show my true potential..this is my chance to be successful in term of my job,my social life,my love life,my frenship and everything else.all is well.

tonite i feel a bit bored,but its alrite a guess.im not lonely anymore..so thats gud..haha!erm,words of advice la eh..dont ever jump into relationship when ur not ready.pity ur partner for ur feelings are not certain.i did wrong to some people before,so im saying sorry to them.but u know i will alwiz be there to help kan kan..just call me!maybe some people need strength to move on from the previous relationship and that a partner wud really help by jumping into the spot..for some it will work but for others,it might not.so be sure when ur ready.u know ur ready when u dont have doubt with ur feelings.u'll know for sure u love the person.with out hesitation.

i've learn to be more compose and relax..i've learn what to say at the right time,and what not to say.i've learn that honesty is my best trait.i've learn that i love my frens,each one of them.i've learn to appreciate girls better..for whatever they are..no matter special ones,frens,or even strangers..a fren made me realize that i had the best time of my life by being with sum1,but my best in myself has yet to arrive.its true..there are a lot to achieve.and i thought there was no hope..silly me.i find that there is no wrong in wanting to know about the people that u care for,even though the feeling is not mutual.it doesnt mean ur still hoping,it means u care,thats all.

i feel this year cud only get better..just a gud feeling.i'll work for it..weee!!

.everything.

You gave your love to me
When I didn't have a thing to offer you the dreams
And you believed, and now you think that I'm gon' dip
But I know you aint gon' trip
Don't act like you don't know just what this is

I can tell when we kiss, when we touch, when we making sweet love
You know this thing is forever
You know the drill keep it real
Nothing will ever come between us
And I won't leave you never

I put that on everything I love
I put that on my momma, baby you can trust in us
I put that on everything I own, for all my life I promise
That you will never be alone
I put that on everything I am, you gotta understand
I'll always be your man
I put that on everything I know, I never let you go
'Cause girl I love you so
I put that on:

Everything you need, I'll get it for you
A few heads I'll split 'em for you, you know I die for you
And girl you make me whole, you are my sisters soul
And you can try to act like you don't know
But, I can tell when we kiss, when we touch, when we making sweet love
You know this thing is forever
You know the drill keep it real
Nothing will ever come between us
And I won't leave you never


Everything I need I got right here with you
You know I'm true
Don't worry baby, I will never leave you
I adore you

And I put that on everything

-marquez houston-

dont give up on me..

believe in me as i always believe in u,
stay with me through the rough times,
give me a chance to pursue my dreams,
let me find my own path,my own direction..

i'll leave u guys one day,
to follow my own dreams,
finding reason to make my life complete,
to be better for myself,to be happy for myself..

aren't u happy to see me happy?
or do i haf to keep on sacrifice my own happiness for u?
all i got is me..and ur taking me away from myself?
whatelse haf i got?and for how long am i going to be treated this way?

i respect and love u for everything u've done,
and i know i've been such a disappointment up till today,
but u need to let me follow my own destiny,
even tho we dont share the same idea,but u cud at least respect mine..

one day i'll get out from this space..
one day i'll be happy for myself..
one day i'll make u proud of me..
ome day i'll make u believe in me..

im sticking with my plans,
this is the only thing i believe is rite for me..
and i ask for ur blessing..

tears.

i dreamt of u again.warm tears falling down my face.let me tell u how the dream goes..

it was just after our 4th year anniversary..after i made u the card and the teady bear i gave u..the 1st and last teady bear i ever gave u.we were fighting..we were always arguing.but in front of other people eyes,we were so gud together.but in our very heart,we keep on hurting each other.and i finally came to a stand,where i thought drastic measures should be taken to ensure my life ends up with u.i had a fling with a girl.with no attraction what so ever,but just to give u a point to hate me and to set me free..u took it hard this time around.very very hard.and i,tried my very best for the first time to ignore ur love,ur true love from ruining my plans that i hoped so much wud work.i kept the thoughts to myself..i need to be bold,i need to do this rite..i wana marry u,i wana make u my wife..but in order for me to get there,i need to let u go and find myself.i need to be the one that wud make u proud,the one that make u smile every morning u wake up,the one that u have no regrets spending ur life with..i need to let u go.

i kept that thought in mind,holding a brick wall in my head to stop u from breaking in.i was ruthless,i was damn harsh,i was too confident that this plan of mine would work.i came home for the weekend.my brother messaged me that u were at my place since evening..and i only came home about 10pm.i was determined,i was angered by your plans of surprises.u hid behind the curtains to surprise me when i entered the house.i saw u but when u jumped in front of me,i pretend that u were nothing..but in my heart at that moment,"ur cute and u are the most important thing to me".i put on a tired face and trying hard to ignore ur acts..u smiled at me even tho u were aching every part inside.."u made me feel like its worth every moment being alive"..but i just put a dull face.trying hard to act as tho i dont care about u,as tho i have moved on..but the fact that i kept my love in heart,so that u wudnt see it.so that u know this time i mean serious.u were like an angel to me that nite,u set the table nicely for me to eat,u sat beside me,talking very politely,smiling at me when im eating my dinner.."i cudnt eat,im crying inside for u are just perfect for me" i told myself..u kept smiling..u cleaned the table and u washed the dishes.i went to the kitchen to see u,i saw ur beautiful eyes were watery.ur loving caring eyes that showed me its enuf just to haf u n me in this world were red.i saw innocent tears dripping down ur face,i saw u wept,i made u wept,i saw u wept...and it made me weak to my knees..u were still smiling at me while doing the dishes.i hold on my tears and ask god why am i doing this to the love of my life??how cud i!!..u sat with me in my room,in front of the computer while smoking,i pretend that there was nothing to discuss.the decision is final.u were next to me holding my hands,and caressing my hair,and i saw u crying..u were crying like i have never ever seen u cried before.it makes me so weak and torn apart..till today.u were begging me not to end this love.u said to me that we can still work things out and that u will change.we can change.i kept giving u excuses..u hugged me and kissed me and all i do is acted all dumb..heartless.cold.when u went down on ur knees and begged me,i said to myself,"what have i gotten myself into??such an angel,how cud i allow u do that n i do nothing?"..i felt so cruel and hated the situation..i was determined to see u off.u cried and cried and i still remember till this morning,ur face,ur pretty little face.i sent u back home..in the car we talked and u still crying..u kept on crying and i began to lose my faith in what i wanted to do for us..i finally cried..cried because i told u that i need to adjust myself and make my parents proud of me..i told u i need to be somebody for the family..but the fact is i cried for what i've seen u've done for me that nite and the past 4 years we've been together..cried for the way u looked at me with those glassy eyes that ive been kissing with all the love in my heart,cried for that sweet smile of urs that brought me to u at the first place,cried for the way u talked when u were crying,when ur voice got stuck in ur cries,cried for ur every efforts..thats what actually made me cried..i knew it was a big gamble,but i tot it wud turn out my way.i was such a fool to let u do all that and acted so cold in front of u..u deserve better than that..i knew that..but i was such a fool that i've gone mad.after i sent u back,i cried all the way home.thinking about u,having flash backs,thinking about how i was cruel to u,thinking of how uve been gud to me,thinking of the gud times,the bad times..

and here i am,early in the morning,a year after it all happened,still thinking about u and how i got my plans all wrong..if only i didnt think too much,if only the plan was a dream.unfortunately.tears for u..

an end to a challenging 2007

it began with a bang..a dismisal from my uni..my girl left me,all by myself confuse and heartbroken..i was really down.manage to gather myself up for a bit and appeal to readmit..manage to do so..had hard time being all alone for the first 3 months..been crying everynite for the lost of the girl..cudnt even study rite..cudnt focus,missed a lot of classes,been drinking a lot..lost weight,got emitted to hospital for low blood.been using drugs for a bit.crying still.cracked out on the last paper,cried in the exam hall straight to my house..saw things as tho it was the end of everything..felt lost.dont feel like living.manage to patch up with my fren..lovely fanna..its a gud thing.manage to finish my diploma.thanked god.met ayu..lovely lady..wonderful girl,a gud fren..wish her all the best..met few others as well.been blessed with gud frens.enroled to taylors..find it to hard to adjust myself there.quit taylors in 2 months.been trying to get to acting and modelling..challenging.got a part in a series but i turn it down.it was a major lost coz the show was a huge success.been seeing girls,even tho things didnt worked out but still manage to have a gud relation with them.went holidays with frens..that was a blast.been feeling a bit relieve for 2008 is just 1 day away.cant wait for 2008.over all its been an emotional year for me.felt love from frens,partners and family..even tho felt lot of gud joy around,i cudnt deny this little spot in my heart that says,there is still something missing.maybe next year,will find the missing pieces..to 2007,thank u.u've been cruel in some ways but kind in so many other ways..ive learned a lot.

..

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met

One day you'll love me, the way I loved you. One day you'll think of me the way I thought of you. One day you'll cry for me, the way I cried for you. One day you'll want me, but I won't want you

It's amazing how you make your face just like a wall, how you take your heart and turn it off, how I turn my head and lose it all

If you're not the one for me, and I still think you're perfect, think of how amazing it will be to find the one who i will end up with.

Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who wouldn't give up on them

I wish you could look at me and see the person you once loved instead of the person you have grown to hate

How can I promise you forever when tomorrow is so far away from me? How can I dry your tears when I have a bleeding heart inside of me? how can I ever forget you when your name is etched so deep within me?but the way i see now,it begins to fade. hiding under the thick cold blood..