tears.

i dreamt of u again.warm tears falling down my face.let me tell u how the dream goes..

it was just after our 4th year anniversary..after i made u the card and the teady bear i gave u..the 1st and last teady bear i ever gave u.we were fighting..we were always arguing.but in front of other people eyes,we were so gud together.but in our very heart,we keep on hurting each other.and i finally came to a stand,where i thought drastic measures should be taken to ensure my life ends up with u.i had a fling with a girl.with no attraction what so ever,but just to give u a point to hate me and to set me free..u took it hard this time around.very very hard.and i,tried my very best for the first time to ignore ur love,ur true love from ruining my plans that i hoped so much wud work.i kept the thoughts to myself..i need to be bold,i need to do this rite..i wana marry u,i wana make u my wife..but in order for me to get there,i need to let u go and find myself.i need to be the one that wud make u proud,the one that make u smile every morning u wake up,the one that u have no regrets spending ur life with..i need to let u go.

i kept that thought in mind,holding a brick wall in my head to stop u from breaking in.i was ruthless,i was damn harsh,i was too confident that this plan of mine would work.i came home for the weekend.my brother messaged me that u were at my place since evening..and i only came home about 10pm.i was determined,i was angered by your plans of surprises.u hid behind the curtains to surprise me when i entered the house.i saw u but when u jumped in front of me,i pretend that u were nothing..but in my heart at that moment,"ur cute and u are the most important thing to me".i put on a tired face and trying hard to ignore ur acts..u smiled at me even tho u were aching every part inside.."u made me feel like its worth every moment being alive"..but i just put a dull face.trying hard to act as tho i dont care about u,as tho i have moved on..but the fact that i kept my love in heart,so that u wudnt see it.so that u know this time i mean serious.u were like an angel to me that nite,u set the table nicely for me to eat,u sat beside me,talking very politely,smiling at me when im eating my dinner.."i cudnt eat,im crying inside for u are just perfect for me" i told myself..u kept smiling..u cleaned the table and u washed the dishes.i went to the kitchen to see u,i saw ur beautiful eyes were watery.ur loving caring eyes that showed me its enuf just to haf u n me in this world were red.i saw innocent tears dripping down ur face,i saw u wept,i made u wept,i saw u wept...and it made me weak to my knees..u were still smiling at me while doing the dishes.i hold on my tears and ask god why am i doing this to the love of my life??how cud i!!..u sat with me in my room,in front of the computer while smoking,i pretend that there was nothing to discuss.the decision is final.u were next to me holding my hands,and caressing my hair,and i saw u crying..u were crying like i have never ever seen u cried before.it makes me so weak and torn apart..till today.u were begging me not to end this love.u said to me that we can still work things out and that u will change.we can change.i kept giving u excuses..u hugged me and kissed me and all i do is acted all dumb..heartless.cold.when u went down on ur knees and begged me,i said to myself,"what have i gotten myself into??such an angel,how cud i allow u do that n i do nothing?"..i felt so cruel and hated the situation..i was determined to see u off.u cried and cried and i still remember till this morning,ur face,ur pretty little face.i sent u back home..in the car we talked and u still crying..u kept on crying and i began to lose my faith in what i wanted to do for us..i finally cried..cried because i told u that i need to adjust myself and make my parents proud of me..i told u i need to be somebody for the family..but the fact is i cried for what i've seen u've done for me that nite and the past 4 years we've been together..cried for the way u looked at me with those glassy eyes that ive been kissing with all the love in my heart,cried for that sweet smile of urs that brought me to u at the first place,cried for the way u talked when u were crying,when ur voice got stuck in ur cries,cried for ur every efforts..thats what actually made me cried..i knew it was a big gamble,but i tot it wud turn out my way.i was such a fool to let u do all that and acted so cold in front of u..u deserve better than that..i knew that..but i was such a fool that i've gone mad.after i sent u back,i cried all the way home.thinking about u,having flash backs,thinking about how i was cruel to u,thinking of how uve been gud to me,thinking of the gud times,the bad times..

and here i am,early in the morning,a year after it all happened,still thinking about u and how i got my plans all wrong..if only i didnt think too much,if only the plan was a dream.unfortunately.tears for u..

an end to a challenging 2007

it began with a bang..a dismisal from my uni..my girl left me,all by myself confuse and heartbroken..i was really down.manage to gather myself up for a bit and appeal to readmit..manage to do so..had hard time being all alone for the first 3 months..been crying everynite for the lost of the girl..cudnt even study rite..cudnt focus,missed a lot of classes,been drinking a lot..lost weight,got emitted to hospital for low blood.been using drugs for a bit.crying still.cracked out on the last paper,cried in the exam hall straight to my house..saw things as tho it was the end of everything..felt lost.dont feel like living.manage to patch up with my fren..lovely fanna..its a gud thing.manage to finish my diploma.thanked god.met ayu..lovely lady..wonderful girl,a gud fren..wish her all the best..met few others as well.been blessed with gud frens.enroled to taylors..find it to hard to adjust myself there.quit taylors in 2 months.been trying to get to acting and modelling..challenging.got a part in a series but i turn it down.it was a major lost coz the show was a huge success.been seeing girls,even tho things didnt worked out but still manage to have a gud relation with them.went holidays with frens..that was a blast.been feeling a bit relieve for 2008 is just 1 day away.cant wait for 2008.over all its been an emotional year for me.felt love from frens,partners and family..even tho felt lot of gud joy around,i cudnt deny this little spot in my heart that says,there is still something missing.maybe next year,will find the missing pieces..to 2007,thank u.u've been cruel in some ways but kind in so many other ways..ive learned a lot.

..

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met

One day you'll love me, the way I loved you. One day you'll think of me the way I thought of you. One day you'll cry for me, the way I cried for you. One day you'll want me, but I won't want you

It's amazing how you make your face just like a wall, how you take your heart and turn it off, how I turn my head and lose it all

If you're not the one for me, and I still think you're perfect, think of how amazing it will be to find the one who i will end up with.

Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who wouldn't give up on them

I wish you could look at me and see the person you once loved instead of the person you have grown to hate

How can I promise you forever when tomorrow is so far away from me? How can I dry your tears when I have a bleeding heart inside of me? how can I ever forget you when your name is etched so deep within me?but the way i see now,it begins to fade. hiding under the thick cold blood..

remembrance

its early in the morning..just cudnt sleep.got my mind on sum things.16sept02.beautiful day,beautiful date..20march lovely day for such a lovely lady.all in my heart at this precise moment is hate.hate the fact that im nothing.may not be nothing but empty.true when i say i have no heart.it can be seen on how many exgf i have lining up..hard cold lifeless monkey.i used to be energetic,funny,loving,and passionate about girls.now,im not half as i used to be.why?cant answer that.this feeling in my heart tells me to run away.run from everything and everyone i know.am i happy?at times..am i sad?in heart.

ur sweet smile still haunts me at nites..at times when i do not even think of u..and its been awhile since i did.to know that ur better off without me,i honestly say i smiled for u..with the most sincere smile i cud give to anyone,i choose to give it to u..but my heart,cries every minute of it.cried for the lost of direction,cried for the lost of perfection.i was perfect when u were around.but now,all goes tumbling down.but i wud still smile for u..even maybe on ur wedding day,i cud share a smile with u..i wud be happy to see u being well taken care off.

cud i ever let u go completely?its been a year long already..i dont need a picture of u to remind me of how u look.i dont need anything..anything but...are u proud or happy to know that im like this? telling me this is all my own doings?or maybe u sympathized me?saying poor adly..he hasnt let it all go? or saying u dont know i loved u this much?..i didnt know i love u this much..and now u know.just like we used to argue on who loves the most..

frens laughed at me..and i pretend to say im cool with it.they told me to move on?if u see the girls lining up in front of the exit door,u'll know that ive been trying..or maybe ive been trying too hard maybe?.when we talk about emotions,feelings,love,im not the macho type of a guy..i speak direct..and very direct i speak.sometimes i get angry when u came to mind.it really pissed me off.sometimes i wish im not here..around people.but sometimes,i wish u were around, just to have a simple chat and a cup of coffee.

i know i dont mean anything to u now..just a history.something i find very hard to erase.i know ur better now without me.and for that matter,let me just pour out my feelings to my writings..thank u,for a wonderful memory..u truly are,eternal bliss..

ready or not..

see me now,i realize im not the same person as i were before..i am now cold hearted..i have this difficulty..i tend to block love from coming my way..why do i do these things?maybe i dont feel like im worth loving..maybe i feel afraid of getting hurt again..maybe its just not the rite time yet..but then when??when is the time?i tend to run away when they have fallen for me..such a confuse feeling..haf i not moved on?in parts,yes i haf..i dont imagine myself like before..and i certainly am not waiting for history to come again..but why is it im still here?..a fren told me that i have moved on from the girl,but not from the experience..its been quite sumtime now..been trying and trying to no avail..for how long must i try?i do not know.not sad,but very tired.

how wrong can it be..

to be happy for someone,for what they have accomplished and everything else..how can a simple thing like that makes people believe that ur clinging on to false hope?cant u just be happy for someone and not feeling sorry for urself..been hearing a lot of the word 'move on' lately..why people force u to change ur heart?it cant be force..if it goes away,then it will..it doesnt matter how hard u try to show other people that u moved on but the fact is ur still there..im here not because i want to be here..im here because im suppose to be here.time is the key.to end all this..u can try to love someone..but to me,trying is not loving..so let it come to me..whats wrong with me wanting to see the face thats been there lighting up my days..just being happy for someone..happy for u.

haishhh...

i met a couple today..was out in klcc and there,..there stood this one couple..as being as straight as i am,i looked at the girl.."perh!!"i said to myself..lawa giler..then i took a look at the guy.."uikk"..jambu gler..with a sharp look,like an eagle eyeing for its prey,i then menepuk dahi sekali..dan sekali lagi..its a shee..damn hunn!!its a gay couple..no offence to gay couples out there,but this one really made me think deep..way deeper than i ever wanted to think about gays..i understand the idea of being gay and all..but im not quite sure whyy...whyyyyy lorddddd!!!!such a beautiful face!!side by side..holding each other..nooo!!!!hehe..im being a bit dramatic here arent i..hehe.

well i do have gay frens..i respect their choice in their orientation.they do what they wana do..as long as they dont make a sandwich out of me then its fine..im not interested ek.before this i cudnt care much,maybe coz i have guy frens that are gays..with the perception of by a person being gay,the more options u have in having a girl for urself..do u get me here??..but seriously,lesbians i cant take it la..i can take it la but rase sayang sgt uhh..hadush!!..

why do people decide to be gays?..is it because of they had a bad relationship with the opposite sex that makes them turn to themselves?..a fren of mine told me that only guys understand guys..only girls understand girls..emotionally,physically,psychologically,sexually..everything lah..some people say they are trap in a different body..lets just say the person is a boy but trap inside a girls body..something like that la.i really do want to understand gays so that i wont offend them in any ways..i respect them,but i have my own believes in my sexual orientation..just dont try anything funny,then i'll be gud to you..can any one explain to me why??..such a beautiful face!!!!xbole terime!!!!xnak terime!!!uwaaa~ peace out bebeh!*xde niat nak mengofen sape2 ek,just a thought* :)