just like the monsoon,it comes again..

i browsed thru the net wondering what else to surf for when i finally remembered that i actually have a blog.forgot about it for while.been busy with stuff.

so what can i update here tonite.hmm.well i had a blast last nite at lepaq cafe.it was an awesome nite.it was an honour and absolutely great pleasure to watch the old timers,the legend of buskers playing in front of me.i really admire their stuff.n with yesterday's performance, i haf found a new interest and that is to own a cajun!..cool instrument wehh..loving it.

well apart from that performance by the legends, we "voce", had a poor nite..hahaha!!abg ekhsan had gone with the wrong feel to the songs.the arrangements were different than what we had practice but luckily we ended the show with a convinving 3 piece harmony on "so much in love"..was ok laaaa!!

hmm.so what else to write here..its that time again i guess..just like the title, yes it has come again.while searching for reference with my buddy paan, he gave me a song to listen to.just like we always do,studying the song.the first note i heard from that song send shivers to my spine..meremang bulu roma aku..haha!..it was a song that someone gave me before.before she left i mean.the arrangements were a bit different.was a bit more mellow.

its hard when it gets to the end of the year.always reminds me of things..hearing the song didnt do any gud either.if there's a word for what im feeling right now, its JK.while driving back after sending my voce buddies home, i put that number on my radio.i didnt know why i did that, but thats what i did.to be frank,i didnt cry..but my eyes were glassy holding those tears from falling.i managed to do so.until a tear drop on my cheek.and another,and another..and another...

its that time of the year where i come to miss the girl..i missed those beautiful smile so bad.and while writing this post, while listening to the number,im so in touch with the past..it was fun while it lasted.her happy ending is just around the conner,but when will mine come?..i cant answer that..i wish i cud love someone as passionate as i loved her.is it true that u will only find this kind of love once?meaning if u had it once then who ever u marry, u will not have the same great feeling for a person like u used to?is love a fairy tale?i dont know.

what more can i say..let me just share with u the lirics..somehow,it has become one of my favorite.

menatap indahnya senyuman diwajahmu
membuat ku terdiam dan terpaku
mengerti akan hadirnya cinta terindah
saat kau peluk mesra tubuhku

banyak kata
yang tak mampu kuungkapkan
kepada dirimu

aku ingin engkau slalu
hadir dan temani aku
disetiap langkah
yang meyakiniku
kau tercipta untukku
sepanjang hidupku

aku ingin engkau slalu
hadir dan temani aku
disetiap langkah
yang meyakiniku
kau tercipta untukku
meski waktu akan mampu
memanggil seluruh ragaku
ku ingin kau tau
kuslalu milikmu
yang mencintaimu
sepanjang hidupku

aku ingin engkau slalu
hadir dan temani aku
disetiap langkah
yang meyakiniku
kau tercipta untukku
meski waktu akan mampu
memanggil seluruh ragaku
ku ingin kau tau
kuslalu milikmu
yang mencintaimu

*eventho we cant share the same smile, im glad that u keep on smiling.

unanswered prayer..

The way the things have been going have made me realize an unwanted fact,
you were never meant for me as hard as it is for me to except that,
yes i fell in love with you the moment i saw your face,
even after we went months without talking..

in my mind you held your place,
I had the heart for you then, still this madness is within me,
days pass by and you never come,
this is God's way of making me see..

you were never mine you weren't my answered prayer,
you just happened to show up at that time as for my feelings they came out of nowhere,
i wanted you so bad , I wish you wanted me as i did you,
i never got back much, yet my heart seemed to cling to you..

and in a moment of time has passed until now my hearts realized the truth,
no matter how hard i hold on, God never intended me to be with you..

what am i?

the beginning of my life is plain..
He put colours on my face..
He add characters to me..
He gives me funny things to wear..
sumtimes i put a smile on peoples face..
sumtimes i made them cry..
sumtimes i bore them..
sumtimes i irritate them..
but i keep on trying to please them..
sumtimes they left me..
sumtimes they ignore me..
most of them come and go..
when im broken, He changes the strings and makes me move again..
sumtimes the smile on my face fades thru time..
He came back and drew a smile on my face with a brush..
and people will come,and i'll make them smile and laugh again..
but in time,they will be leaving again..
but i'll keep on being me..
keep trying to please them..
with hope,that they will appreciate me..
this is my life..
a life of a....

24 tahun yang berdosa..

kebencian terhadap diri sendiri meluap memecah segenap bumi..
kebodohan dan kealpaan mengaibkan roh pemberian tuhan..
dengan tiada rasa bersyukur aku menempikkan diri ku ke lorong yg lebih gelap..
aku benci..amat benci..jijik..ku rasakan jijik..

ampuni aku ya tuhan..

rasa hati yang mati

ku puisikan kekosongan hati,
di balik bulan terang ku termenung sendiri,
ku luahkan isi hati ku yang sepi,
di temani bulan yang setia di sisi..

aduhai kasih mengapa kau pergi,
ku rasakan pahit ku rasakan mati,
menyesali diri yg tak berguna lagi,
kau telah pun pergi meninggalkan diri..

malam berganti siang dan surut beransur ke malam,
hidup ku tetap murung dan kelam,
bilakan tenang rasa di hati?
amankah ia di suatu hari?

penat sudah ku terus mencoba,
mencari pengantimu yg tak pun tiba,
ku katakan terus pada diri sendiri,
mungkin bukan masa ku lagi..

aduhai sakit,hatiku perit..
menahan rindu,bak tertusuk sembilu..

dengan hidup ku yg terus xmenentu,
ku khabarkan ikhlas puisi pilu..

kisah cinta yg mati,
dan yang tinggal hanya ku sendiri..

tulisanku ini sekadar memori,
janganlah marah mahupun benci,

mungkin ini ketetapan ilahi..
kau tetap terindah sesudah pun kau pergi..

blue moon..

I wish I could remember who u r now instead of who u were before..
Coz..

Its funny..

I still miss u..

Even though things have change a lot, but something just remain the same.

It cuts..

It bleeds..

It hurts.

What have u done to me? To make me feel devoted to u?or what haf I done to myself to actually feel that way..

Don’t misunderstand how I feel..

I just don’t know why..

I cant explain why its not enuf..

Not enuf to not haf u.

I wonder when wil I stop having feelings for u..

Tomorrow?

Next week?

Or maybe next year?

Such a big presence u bring. Even for a year and a half now. u still remain here.

Shud I forget to love?

Shud I smile for u?

Shud I cry some more?

Maybe I shud just keep trying to ignore..

Stop coming to my dreams..

U bring tears to my face.

apologize

here i am today,to ask forgiveness from you..for all my sins towards you,all wrong things ive done,all the promises ive not kept,every wrong things i said,every word that hurt you,all the details that ive let out..everything,i am truly sorry..

there is no intention to hurt anyone.never is,never was.i can say that i was a bit too emotional back then.i say now,im deeply sorry..

memories are for us to cherish..gud or bad,u haf to swallow it and live with it. i wish not to forget my memories, as it is very crucial to what i have become today..if some may see me today,u'll see a different side of me.u may not see it clearly,but u can see the difference..something,i haf change for the better,but for something else,maybe for the worst.but this is my journey..im still on my way,im not there yet.

to live life with no regrets is something i find hard to do.its not impossible,its just a little bit hard.as i see the road that i have taken,it hasnt been pleasant.

to be positive with what i haf,to what i will become,to what i need in life..i pray that one day i will manage to fulfill my dreams,to be a responsible son,a loving husband,and a wonderful father..

again,from the bottom of my heart,i apologize for all my wrong doings and i forgive if there is anything to be forgiven for..


-mohamad adly mohamad lotfy-

tiny heartache

i never thought u could blew me away,with the simplest of things,with the way that u are..i never thought i cud haf fallen for u,but now i know that i definitely do.as i thought love will never come too soon,it all started to feel like its too good to be true.u bring me joy and i know im ready.i do all i can so that u wud be happy.cater to all ur wishes and be the best i can be.but now that i know that its all has come to an end,im speechless.

u arrived too soon for u to be going away already..but im not going to stop u.u do what u feel is rite for urself and im proud of u.it was nice knowing u.i haf no regrets.i hope u will be happy with him and i will always be here for u.as i always said to u,im here to make u happy.it has been an interesting event,even for a short period of time.take care dear..

now is the time..

the feeling is just rite..i should end this sadness.or maybe it ended without me doing anything about it.it just did.so i feel in awhile,i will take out most of the controversial posts regarding my life so that i can move on peacefully without continuing to hurt people.im happy,im excited,im fully energized,im fine.

jai talked to me about something recently.never really thought about it for awhile but he made me dream about it anyways..bugger!!but its ok i guess.no harm done.im cool with it.its just that the words that came out from my mouth sounded differently from what i tried to say.well,they understood it differently lah..haha.so if there is a chance,maybe someday in the future,i'll do it differently.but if it wont happen,im still going to do it differently.haha!i feel in life we must have a contingency plan so that we are well aware of things that might occur.just to be safe..not hoping,just playing it safe.

some of my frens are getting engaged and married this year.made me feel a bit old la pulak.haha!as for me myself,i dont quite see it coming in the near future.im not sad about it,im actually cool with it.when it comes,it comes.when it goes..it goes.. :)
so back to the topic..i think my emoness have finally come to an end.and at times i do feel that i have been a bit ignorant and too emotional expressing myself.so sorry to the people that matters.now lets rite something fun..."rghetti pulak aku nak tulis pasal bende hepi2 ni kan,try je la!!"

updates so far

i hardly have much time to write lately..so let me see whats been happening so far.few weeks a go met a long lost fren,been having the same problem as i used to but he handle it pretty well.gud job bro!..been hanging out with boi a lot since we last saw the sweet girl and regret that we did nothing.shiett!!not much partying coz been busy adjusting time for work and my passion..what haf i learn lately..hmm.i've learn that i am not half as i should or ever been..by saying so,there's a lot in me that i havent show.i havent come out and show my true potential..this is my chance to be successful in term of my job,my social life,my love life,my frenship and everything else.all is well.

tonite i feel a bit bored,but its alrite a guess.im not lonely anymore..so thats gud..haha!erm,words of advice la eh..dont ever jump into relationship when ur not ready.pity ur partner for ur feelings are not certain.i did wrong to some people before,so im saying sorry to them.but u know i will alwiz be there to help kan kan..just call me!maybe some people need strength to move on from the previous relationship and that a partner wud really help by jumping into the spot..for some it will work but for others,it might not.so be sure when ur ready.u know ur ready when u dont have doubt with ur feelings.u'll know for sure u love the person.with out hesitation.

i've learn to be more compose and relax..i've learn what to say at the right time,and what not to say.i've learn that honesty is my best trait.i've learn that i love my frens,each one of them.i've learn to appreciate girls better..for whatever they are..no matter special ones,frens,or even strangers..a fren made me realize that i had the best time of my life by being with sum1,but my best in myself has yet to arrive.its true..there are a lot to achieve.and i thought there was no hope..silly me.i find that there is no wrong in wanting to know about the people that u care for,even though the feeling is not mutual.it doesnt mean ur still hoping,it means u care,thats all.

i feel this year cud only get better..just a gud feeling.i'll work for it..weee!!

.everything.

You gave your love to me
When I didn't have a thing to offer you the dreams
And you believed, and now you think that I'm gon' dip
But I know you aint gon' trip
Don't act like you don't know just what this is

I can tell when we kiss, when we touch, when we making sweet love
You know this thing is forever
You know the drill keep it real
Nothing will ever come between us
And I won't leave you never

I put that on everything I love
I put that on my momma, baby you can trust in us
I put that on everything I own, for all my life I promise
That you will never be alone
I put that on everything I am, you gotta understand
I'll always be your man
I put that on everything I know, I never let you go
'Cause girl I love you so
I put that on:

Everything you need, I'll get it for you
A few heads I'll split 'em for you, you know I die for you
And girl you make me whole, you are my sisters soul
And you can try to act like you don't know
But, I can tell when we kiss, when we touch, when we making sweet love
You know this thing is forever
You know the drill keep it real
Nothing will ever come between us
And I won't leave you never


Everything I need I got right here with you
You know I'm true
Don't worry baby, I will never leave you
I adore you

And I put that on everything

-marquez houston-

dont give up on me..

believe in me as i always believe in u,
stay with me through the rough times,
give me a chance to pursue my dreams,
let me find my own path,my own direction..

i'll leave u guys one day,
to follow my own dreams,
finding reason to make my life complete,
to be better for myself,to be happy for myself..

aren't u happy to see me happy?
or do i haf to keep on sacrifice my own happiness for u?
all i got is me..and ur taking me away from myself?
whatelse haf i got?and for how long am i going to be treated this way?

i respect and love u for everything u've done,
and i know i've been such a disappointment up till today,
but u need to let me follow my own destiny,
even tho we dont share the same idea,but u cud at least respect mine..

one day i'll get out from this space..
one day i'll be happy for myself..
one day i'll make u proud of me..
ome day i'll make u believe in me..

im sticking with my plans,
this is the only thing i believe is rite for me..
and i ask for ur blessing..

tears.

i dreamt of u again.warm tears falling down my face.let me tell u how the dream goes..

it was just after our 4th year anniversary..after i made u the card and the teady bear i gave u..the 1st and last teady bear i ever gave u.we were fighting..we were always arguing.but in front of other people eyes,we were so gud together.but in our very heart,we keep on hurting each other.and i finally came to a stand,where i thought drastic measures should be taken to ensure my life ends up with u.i had a fling with a girl.with no attraction what so ever,but just to give u a point to hate me and to set me free..u took it hard this time around.very very hard.and i,tried my very best for the first time to ignore ur love,ur true love from ruining my plans that i hoped so much wud work.i kept the thoughts to myself..i need to be bold,i need to do this rite..i wana marry u,i wana make u my wife..but in order for me to get there,i need to let u go and find myself.i need to be the one that wud make u proud,the one that make u smile every morning u wake up,the one that u have no regrets spending ur life with..i need to let u go.

i kept that thought in mind,holding a brick wall in my head to stop u from breaking in.i was ruthless,i was damn harsh,i was too confident that this plan of mine would work.i came home for the weekend.my brother messaged me that u were at my place since evening..and i only came home about 10pm.i was determined,i was angered by your plans of surprises.u hid behind the curtains to surprise me when i entered the house.i saw u but when u jumped in front of me,i pretend that u were nothing..but in my heart at that moment,"ur cute and u are the most important thing to me".i put on a tired face and trying hard to ignore ur acts..u smiled at me even tho u were aching every part inside.."u made me feel like its worth every moment being alive"..but i just put a dull face.trying hard to act as tho i dont care about u,as tho i have moved on..but the fact that i kept my love in heart,so that u wudnt see it.so that u know this time i mean serious.u were like an angel to me that nite,u set the table nicely for me to eat,u sat beside me,talking very politely,smiling at me when im eating my dinner.."i cudnt eat,im crying inside for u are just perfect for me" i told myself..u kept smiling..u cleaned the table and u washed the dishes.i went to the kitchen to see u,i saw ur beautiful eyes were watery.ur loving caring eyes that showed me its enuf just to haf u n me in this world were red.i saw innocent tears dripping down ur face,i saw u wept,i made u wept,i saw u wept...and it made me weak to my knees..u were still smiling at me while doing the dishes.i hold on my tears and ask god why am i doing this to the love of my life??how cud i!!..u sat with me in my room,in front of the computer while smoking,i pretend that there was nothing to discuss.the decision is final.u were next to me holding my hands,and caressing my hair,and i saw u crying..u were crying like i have never ever seen u cried before.it makes me so weak and torn apart..till today.u were begging me not to end this love.u said to me that we can still work things out and that u will change.we can change.i kept giving u excuses..u hugged me and kissed me and all i do is acted all dumb..heartless.cold.when u went down on ur knees and begged me,i said to myself,"what have i gotten myself into??such an angel,how cud i allow u do that n i do nothing?"..i felt so cruel and hated the situation..i was determined to see u off.u cried and cried and i still remember till this morning,ur face,ur pretty little face.i sent u back home..in the car we talked and u still crying..u kept on crying and i began to lose my faith in what i wanted to do for us..i finally cried..cried because i told u that i need to adjust myself and make my parents proud of me..i told u i need to be somebody for the family..but the fact is i cried for what i've seen u've done for me that nite and the past 4 years we've been together..cried for the way u looked at me with those glassy eyes that ive been kissing with all the love in my heart,cried for that sweet smile of urs that brought me to u at the first place,cried for the way u talked when u were crying,when ur voice got stuck in ur cries,cried for ur every efforts..thats what actually made me cried..i knew it was a big gamble,but i tot it wud turn out my way.i was such a fool to let u do all that and acted so cold in front of u..u deserve better than that..i knew that..but i was such a fool that i've gone mad.after i sent u back,i cried all the way home.thinking about u,having flash backs,thinking about how i was cruel to u,thinking of how uve been gud to me,thinking of the gud times,the bad times..

and here i am,early in the morning,a year after it all happened,still thinking about u and how i got my plans all wrong..if only i didnt think too much,if only the plan was a dream.unfortunately.tears for u..